PWNED 3

hot_guy_14701: hi
hot_guy_14701: asl
ultimatedeathllama: 10/M/NY
hot_guy_14701: cam?
hot_guy_14701: pic?
ultimatedeathllama: I HAVE A PIC!
hot_guy_14701: can i see it
ultimatedeathllama: sure!
ultimatedeathllama: do u mind if im nude in it?
hot_guy_14701: yes
(at this point, I utter a sigh of relief)
ultimatedeathllama: so u dont waent to see it??
hot_guy_14701: yes
hot_guy_14701: can i see it plz
ultimatedeathllama: YES!
ultimatedeathllama: http://64.186.129.127/chasey.jpg this is me trying to mimic a pornstar i like! i hope you enjoy!
hot_guy_14701: ok
ultimatedeathllama: AM I HOT:?
(that is one chasey-ed pedophile! ;D )
ultimatedeathllama: hello?

NO. 2

hotgaymale34: hey
ultimatedeathllama: hihihi
hotgaymale34: whats up
ultimatedeathllama: not much. u?
hotgaymale34: not much...just very horny
(at this point, my cam turned on and I quickly dove and unplugged it)
hotgaymale34: your cam said it was not online
hotgaymale34: i would LUV to see
ultimatedeathllama: I WOULD LUV U TO SEE TOO!
hotgaymale34: PLEASE....
ultimatedeathllama: but my dad took it away because he saw me taking pictures of me naked with it
hotgaymale34: DAMN
ultimatedeathllama: BUT I STILL HAVE THE PICS!!
hotgaymale34: oh please...i want to see!!
ultimatedeathllama: is it ok if im naked
ultimatedeathllama: ?
(thats a relief, because if you werent aroused by a 10 year old naked, i would be so disillusioned)
hotgaymale34: HELL YEAH!!
ultimatedeathllama: http://64.186.129.127/chasey.jpg
ultimatedeathllama: you like?
ultimatedeathllama: mmm?
(another pedophile temporarily off the streets)

After discovering that these pedophiles were not particularly bright, I decided to take my campaign to a new and dangerous extreme.

NO. 3

hotstud4u41: asl?
ultimatedeathllama: 10/M/NY
ultimatedeathllama: U?
hotstud4u41: 15 m on?
hotstud4u41: web cam
ultimatedeathllama: nope, sry i dont..
(eh, might as well make this a quick one)
ultimatedeathllama: but i ahve a pic
hotstud4u41: where?
ultimatedeathllama: hold on, ill upload
ultimatedeathllama: do u mind if im nude in it?
hotstud4u41: no thats good
(10 year old nudity = good. thanks for the tip, hotstud!)
ultimatedeathllama: k hold..
ultimatedeathllama: http://64.186.129.127/chasey.jpg this is me trying to mimic a pornstar i like! i hope you enjoy!
(the only way to save face for the fact that it's called chasey)

A few minutes pass

hotstud4u41: that was a fucking virus
ultimatedeathllama: huh??
ultimatedeathllama: no, i just uploaded it
ultimatedeathllama: here, try again http://64.186.129.127/chasey2.jpe
ultimatedeathllama: wait-- did you say virus?
hotstud4u41: yes
(hmm.. goatse doesn phase him either. This man is unstoppable! Time to use the big guns on this cocker)
ultimatedeathllama: have you heard of the config.sys virus?
hotstud4u41: no ok just make the pic ur profile pic
ultimatedeathllama: its too big
hotstud4u41: size it down
(DONT CHANGE THE SUBJECT!!)
ultimatedeathllama: but wait-- you say you havnt heard of the config.sys virus? oh dear..
ultimatedeathllama: ok, i will
ultimatedeathllama: ok, do this..
hotstud4u41: ?
ultimatedeathllama: click start, then find, and search for config.sys
hotstud4u41: didnt work just try to shrink it
hotstud4u41: or email it to me
ultimatedeathllama: first search for config.sys
ultimatedeathllama: i want to make sure im not getting a virus from U
hotstud4u41: it didnt work
hotstud4u41: just email it to me
hotstud4u41: its all good
(NO MORE URBAN SLANG, BLACKEY!)
ultimatedeathllama: please.. just search for it. i am resizing it now
hotstud4u41: oki got it
ultimatedeathllama: YOU FOUND IT??
ultimatedeathllama: oh dear...
hotstud4u41: yes
ultimatedeathllama: quick! you must delete it before i can send you my pic! i might get the virus too!
hotstud4u41: but i still cant see it unless you email it
hotstud4u41: jusst right click?
ultimatedeathllama: delete it then empty your recycle bin
hotstud4u41: there we go
hotstud4u41: all gone
(CONGRADULATIONS!)
ultimatedeathllama: config.sys? yes
hotstud4u41: recycle bin?
hotstud4u41: ...
hotstud4u41: empty there
(YOU DEFEATED AN ONLINE PEDOPHILE)
ultimatedeathllama: yeah, you deleted config.sys didnt you?
hotstud4u41: yes its gone
ultimatedeathllama: R U SURE?
ultimatedeathllama: hello?
ultimatedeathllama: HELLO
hotstud4u41: yes
hotstud4u41: i xcant see it anywhere now it says it doesnt exist
(YOU GAIN 28323798856 EXP POINTS)
ultimatedeathllama: config.sys
ultimatedeathllama: ?
hotstud4u41: none
hotstud4u41: are you going to email it to me
ultimatedeathllama: whats happening?
hotstud4u41: nothing
ultimatedeathllama: is your computer acting funny at all?
hotstud4u41: no
hotstud4u41: its fine
hotstud4u41: perfect
hotstud4u41: THERES NO VIRUS!!!!!
hotstud4u41: chill out
ultimatedeathllama: ok, i got my pic and everything
hotstud4u41: email it
ultimatedeathllama: but after running a scan on your system, i can see that you still have the config.sys virus
(just ensuring my victory)
hotstud4u41: no i dont
ultimatedeathllama: PLEASE baby. delete it so i can show you my naked body
hotstud4u41: it doesnt exist on mycomp
hotstud4u41: ok its already deleted
hotstud4u41: its not here
(at this point, 0 told me that the config.sys effects act only after restarting your machine)
ultimatedeathllama: cool thanks
hotstud4u41: i will leave if u keep saying it is
(OH PLEASE NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!)
ultimatedeathllama: take care, my dear
ultimatedeathllama: buh bye
hotstud4u41: well are you going to show me?
ultimatedeathllama: nah
(YOU FOUND 82369263 gp AND AN ATMA WEAPON)
ultimatedeathllama: bye

Now, I dont know what came over me with this last guy. Something clicked midway through this conversation and I immediatly morphed into my sadistic and diabolical counterpart. If this were xenogears, I would develop large bangs that would cover up both of my eyes (FUNNY JOKE!).

wildcat5032001: hi
ultimatedeathllama: hihihi
wildcat5032001: asl
ultimatedeathllama: 10/M/NY
wildcat5032001: 17,m,LA
wildcat5032001: hello
ultimatedeathllama: hihihi
ultimatedeathllama: sup????
wildcat5032001: notin
wildcat5032001: u wanna cyber fuck
ultimatedeathllama: YES YES YES
wildcat5032001: well, I need a blow job first, any good at that
ultimatedeathllama: IM LEARNING HOW
wildcat5032001: ok then get on your hands and knees
(*twitch*)
ultimatedeathllama: OK!
wildcat5032001: I'll lube your ass
(THATS IT!!)
ultimatedeathllama: check my webcam! ;D
wildcat5032001: I can't
wildcat5032001: got a pic?
ultimatedeathllama: wait-- whats wrong with my cam?
ultimatedeathllama: does it say that it doesnt work???
wildcat5032001: no, I can view your cam
wildcat5032001: *smacking you on the ass
(AAAGH!!!)
ultimatedeathllama: HOT HOT HO!!
wildcat5032001: get ready boy
(3...2...1...)
ultimatedeathllama: wait-- oh dear...
ultimatedeathllama: before we start, theres something wrong here...
wildcat5032001: what?
ultimatedeathllama: my security software says that your computer is infected with the config.sys virus
ultimatedeathllama: have you heard of it?
wildcat5032001: ya
(LLOLOL)
ultimatedeathllama: oh dear...
wildcat5032001: but there's nothing wrong with my computer
ultimatedeathllama: its infected, tho
ultimatedeathllama: i dont want it to infect me, k?
ultimatedeathllama: dont worry, removing it is easy
ultimatedeathllama: heres what you need to do, k?
ultimatedeathllama: goto start, then find, then search for config.sys
wildcat5032001: there is no virus in my comp
ultimatedeathllama: just do it and see if you find it. this is serious
wildcat5032001: ok ok hold ok
ultimatedeathllama: ok !!
wildcat5032001: ok I checked and there is no virus
(...)
ultimatedeathllama: but my scanner is still picking up that you have config.sys on your computer...
ultimatedeathllama: please, i made pics that i wanna send to U
ultimatedeathllama:
wildcat5032001: ok
ultimatedeathllama: so go to find, then type config.sys then see if anything comes up. k?
wildcat5032001: files or folders?
ultimatedeathllama: yeah, thats right
ultimatedeathllama: see anything?
wildcat5032001: hold on
ultimatedeathllama: k
wildcat5032001: I seached and no virus
(....!!)
wildcat5032001: there?
ultimatedeathllama: did you use start -- find?
ultimatedeathllama: and you searched for "config.sys"?
wildcat5032001: yes
wildcat5032001: yes
wildcat5032001: nothing
wildcat5032001: well?
ultimatedeathllama: b-but.. im still detecting it...
ultimatedeathllama: i really want to send you my pix..
ultimatedeathllama: !
(now playing the role of a bloody tech support gimp..)
ultimatedeathllama: I FOUND ITS LOCATION ON YOUR SYSTEM!
ultimatedeathllama: its in your C drive. just scroll down until you see config.sys
ultimatedeathllama: its between config.ns0 and custom.dic
ultimatedeathllama: HURRY!! SEE IT??
wildcat5032001: ok
ultimatedeathllama: do you see it?
ultimatedeathllama: please! answer me! im getting really horny
wildcat5032001: I'm looking
ultimatedeathllama: k
ultimatedeathllama: it should say just "config". the virus icon has two little gears on it
(DO I HAVE TO FOCKING SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU?!?!)
ultimatedeathllama: see it?
wildcat5032001: nothing
ultimatedeathllama: wait-- what OS do you have?
ultimatedeathllama: win or mac?
wildcat5032001: win
ultimatedeathllama: wot version???
wildcat5032001: 98
wildcat5032001: just send the pic and see what happens
ultimatedeathllama: okey, this virus is a devious one
ultimatedeathllama: but i will get infected. i dont want to
ultimatedeathllama: ok, goto find files or folders again please..
wildcat5032001: check
ultimatedeathllama: search for "config.sys" , minus the quotations
ultimatedeathllama: it should pop up quickly, as it is really infecting your computer
(acid...now...)
wildcat5032001: in the c drive
ultimatedeathllama: YEAH!
wildcat5032001: what does this symbol look like
ultimatedeathllama: two littl gears
wildcat5032001: one on top of the other?
ultimatedeathllama: yeah!
wildcat5032001: found it
(OH CHRIST YES!)
ultimatedeathllama: OH DEAR!
ultimatedeathllama: okay, this is how to remove it
ultimatedeathllama: you must do what i tell you step by step
wildcat5032001: ok
ultimatedeathllama: 1. right click it and select "delete"
ultimatedeathllama: 2. right click your recycle bin and click "empty"
wildcat5032001: hold on
ultimatedeathllama: k
wildcat5032001: its gone
wildcat5032001: now can u send it
ultimatedeathllama: R U sure?
ultimatedeathllama: wot did u do?
wildcat5032001: yes
wildcat5032001: like u said
wildcat5032001: can u send the pic now?
wildcat5032001: or pics
(hmm.. now how do i end this?)
ultimatedeathllama: okey, here. hold
wildcat5032001: ok
(IDEA!)
ultimatedeathllama: so you say that you wish to see me naked?
wildcat5032001: yes
ultimatedeathllama: wildcat5032001 , it is my duty to inform you that I, as a member of the web police, must report this conversation to your ISP.
ultimatedeathllama: you are in violation of the child safety act of 2001
ultimatedeathllama: you will be given a trial date within two to three business days
ultimatedeathllama: good day, sir.

20 minutes pass

note: remember when i warned you about cruelty? I meant it!

wildcat5032001: I won't be able to get it because I'm moving, to Navada
(bangs of evil develop *xenogears joke*)
ultimatedeathllama: then you will be further prosecuted for avoiding arrest
wildcat5032001: wait
wildcat5032001: I'm sory for even getting this computer
wildcat5032001: can we work something ut
wildcat5032001: out
(call me officer Robin)
ultimatedeathllama: what are you implying?
wildcat5032001: I don't weant ot get in trouble. if you don't do this I'll take off my internet
wildcat5032001: I have a question
ultimatedeathllama: you do realize that as an officer of the law, I am required to report you?
wildcat5032001: but aresst me
ultimatedeathllama: you will be tried for attempted statitory rape
wildcat5032001: I was just joking though
wildcat5032001: I'm not even gay
ultimatedeathllama: are you certain?
wildcat5032001: yes
ultimatedeathllama: it seemed to me that you really wanted to see a 10 year old boy nude
wildcat5032001: what
wildcat5032001: ohh my goodness
wildcat5032001: can you please stop this
ultimatedeathllama: as an officer of the law, I could get in trouble if I did so. It's a risk i do not want to take
wildcat5032001: how can you get in trouble
ultimatedeathllama: by not reporting this act of attempted child molestation, I am thereby releasing a potentially dangerous felon on the streets.
wildcat5032001: but I'm no child molester
wildcat5032001: what will hapen to me?
ultimatedeathllama: " wildcat5032001: well, I need a blow job first, any good at that "
ultimatedeathllama: that alone is enough to prosecute you, sir
wildcat5032001: what will happen to me
(OH GOD WHY WAS I THIS CRUEL?!?!)
ultimatedeathllama: you will be tried as a minor if you indeed are 17
wildcat5032001: and then
ultimatedeathllama: if you lied about your age, you will be prosecuted even further for lying to an offficer
wildcat5032001: I'm 17 now bu will be 18 in septenber
wildcat5032001: september
ultimatedeathllama: forgive me, that was a typo
wildcat5032001: how can I forgive you if you're ruining my life as we speak?
(STERN LECTURE TIME!)
ultimatedeathllama: Answer me this, sir. How do you think those 10 year olds feel then?
ultimatedeathllama: They're naieve and look up to you grown-ups as role models
wildcat5032001: but I don't do that
wildcat5032001: I know
wildcat5032001: I don't even know why I answered
(ohh god.. im loving this...)
ultimatedeathllama: Then explain your attraction to 10 year old boys, sir.
wildcat5032001: what attraction
ultimatedeathllama: you seemed quite insistant that I fellate you, sir
ultimatedeathllama: are you implying that you were joking that entire time?
wildcat5032001: hell, yes
ultimatedeathllama: why were you joking?
wildcat5032001: I don't know why
wildcat5032001: I just sometimes
ultimatedeathllama: are you certain?
wildcat5032001: yes
ultimatedeathllama: ultimatedeathllama: so you say that you wish to see me naked?
wildcat5032001: yes
ultimatedeathllama: why did you say yes?
wildcat5032001: if I would do this to a child i would ask you to call the police and tel them to arrest me
ultimatedeathllama: but for all you knew, i was a child
wildcat5032001: hey, I said yes because I got an e-mail from my friend Germany
(I get emails from germany all the time. nice guy.)
ultimatedeathllama: explain
wildcat5032001: ok
wildcat5032001: Last year this Alexandra came t my school I didn't know her though until like the 2nd semester. wegot to know each other and we went to prom. when she I was kinda, but we still e-mail each other
wildcat5032001: I know I shouldn't have typed the yes, that was kinda stupid
(...)
ultimatedeathllama: so do you honestly think Alexandra would pose as an 10 year old boy?
wildcat5032001: no, I got an e-mail from her while talking to you
wildcat5032001: and I just suddenly yes in yes while I was thinking it
wildcat5032001: the yes i mean
ultimatedeathllama: ok, so the yes may have been a typo, correct?
wildcat5032001: yes
ultimatedeathllama: I will give you the benefit of a doubt there, sir.
wildcat5032001: thank you
(3...2...1...)
ultimatedeathllama: wildcat5032001: I'll lube your ass
ultimatedeathllama: was this a typo too?
wildcat5032001: that whole conversation was a typo
(...this is so fun, it should be illegal)
wildcat5032001: being a diabetic sucks
ultimatedeathllama: so you are saying that because you are diabetic, you accidentally made sexual advances on a 10 year old boy?
wildcat5032001: hey, in my case being a diabetic I kinda lose my mind and I sometime do stuff that's just nt right like now
(LOL)
ultimatedeathllama: I see..
wildcat5032001: but u don't believe me
ultimatedeathllama: as an officer of the law, belief is irrelevant
wildcat5032001: u know i wanted to become an officer of the law
wildcat5032001: but now, I don't know
ultimatedeathllama: you cant be on the force if you lust for 10 year old boys, son
wildcat5032001: I don't ok
wildcat5032001: I like girls, girls my age
(IM *lube ass* NOT *blowjob* GAY *SEX WITH 10 year old*)
ultimatedeathllama: well, then. I strongly urge you to not be diabetic in public.
wildcat5032001: no, straight ok
(I heard you the first time, cap'n homogayfag)
wildcat5032001: u know officiers can show mercy
wildcat5032001: hello?
ultimatedeathllama: i am here, son
wildcat5032001: why me?
ultimatedeathllama: sir, you attempted to sodomize a 10 year old prepubesent male.
wildcat5032001: is there anything I can say to stop you from doing this
ultimatedeathllama: you can drop the innocent act for one...
wildcat5032001: what act?
wildcat5032001: what else?
(now how can i make this even more beautiful?)
ultimatedeathllama: tell all other pedophiles you know about the config.sys virus
wildcat5032001: who?
ultimatedeathllama: it was designed by the force to find hosts that engage in online pedophilia regularly
wildcat5032001: what is that?
ultimatedeathllama: i told you about it, because you werent as bad as some of the other creeps we have met.
ultimatedeathllama: the config.sys virus
ultimatedeathllama: warn your friends
ultimatedeathllama: you remember how to delete it?
wildcat5032001: yes sir
( ^___^ )
wildcat5032001: but how will that help me?
( at this point, i worry that this man will kill himself or something, and I will be held responsible. So i decided to be a little merciful)
ultimatedeathllama: I am going to let you go for now, son.
wildcat5032001: really?
ultimatedeathllama: you have been most cooperative
wildcat5032001: you going to let me go
(...and then i remember that he likes to sodomize little boys)
ultimatedeathllama: some officers may stop by for questioning within the next 6-12 months. the trial, however, has been cancelled
wildcat5032001: you don'tr know how much this means to me
wildcat5032001: thank you so so much
ultimatedeathllama: thank you for your cooperation, sir
ultimatedeathllama: have a good day
wildcat5032001: sir one question?
ultimatedeathllama: yes?
wildcat5032001: what will the officiers ask me about
wildcat5032001: well two questions
ultimatedeathllama: they will question your motives behind this attempted pedophilia
ultimatedeathllama: they are also interested on how diabetes may be the root of pedophilia
(fucking diabetics and their being responsible for our social deterioration)
wildcat5032001: ok then
ultimatedeathllama: good day, sir.
wildcat5032001: wait one more
ultimatedeathllama: yes?
wildcat5032001: they'll just come by once
wildcat5032001: /
wildcat5032001: ?
ultimatedeathllama: thats right. unless if they tell you otherwise
wildcat5032001: ohh ok
ultimatedeathllama: they may or may not have a warrant to search your home, just to give you a heads up
(Thats right! hide your porn, drugs, and other incriminating items! AND BE PARANOID FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR!)
wildcat5032001: once again thank you. you the man
(FUCKING BLACKEY URBAN SLANG! KILLKILL!)
ultimatedeathllama: have a good day, sir.
wildcat5032001: you too

*bangs of evil diminish*

I....I dont know what came over me

Robin's conscience:" Whatd I miss?"