Why Are We Here?By: Josh
I have a little 'theological' theory to share today. In essence, it boils down to, "It's not God's 'gift' that each of us is alive, it's his 'fault'." Whether that sounds confusing, or stupid, I'll try to elaborate. God created the first man and woman, Adam and Lilith, I'm not gonna get into Lilith's misfortune today, but God and Adam kill Lilith off, God takes a rib from Adam, and we have Eve. So here are Adam and Eve are, lounging around in the Garden of Eden, Paradise Immaculate, if it pleases. And I'm gonna go out on a limb, to say that Adam and Eve weren't married, I don't suppose even the idea of marriage had been created, so, if they even knew what sex was, they couldn't participate in the activities of all the small woodland adventures they observed, so as not to be sinners. And God tells them not to eat the apple or whatever fruit it was from the particular tree. Which seems a tremendously wonderful way for God to pass his time, I know, but I think it translates more into not being evil, since it's Satan who supposedly convinces Eve to take a bite of the forbidden fruit, which, in turn, gets Adam and Eve tossed out of the Garden. But God knew it all was gonna happen anyway. WHAT THE FUCK IS HIS PROBLEM. No, we don't get a "sorry God, I was deceived by THE DEVIL himself, who hates me and Adam for simply existing" or "I apologize, I wont ever do it again," you get kicked the fuck out of "PARADISE" for one slip up. Eve gets her punishments, all of which I can't remember, but I know it involved getting her period. So, even if they had known of or even practiced sex prior to this, I'm gonna have to say that they couldn't have had kids.
Adam and Eve are fucking by this point, without a doubt, and Eve was condemned to the punishment of Labor in Childbirth. So they have kids eventually, and their kids have kids together, and their kids all have kids together, and son on and so on, all down this incestuous family tree. Yes we are all supposedly related to Adam and Eve from the focal point of creation. It's fucked I know. And still, they were all born out of wedlock, I can't imagine there were any men or women of God to join them, so it's all extramarital fornication, so they're all bastards. Through this analysis, God didn't create a great, glorious and revered race of people, whom he loved, which turned against him time and again. We're all "accidental," unwanted, inbred children.
Maybe you could claim that it was Satan's fault for our lives, but the Morning Star hated us, he didn't want more of us running around, taking up space. It's God's fucking fault for being so vengeful, and giving Eve the ability to birth in the first place. Ergo, fuck him, I didn't ask to be born, I didn't ask to be a fat, ugly, bald man, with no future I, and there's no fucking way I'm gonna thank him for it either. Who the fuck does God think he is anyway? The fucking guy he hates us, especially the Israelites who we've mentioned before; he's drowned us, burned us, given us A.I.D.'s, the Ebola, Liver failure and Brad Pitt, over and over again when we displease him. But we are a pest that he can't exterminate. Mankind: The Cockroach of God. Adam's punishment for expulsion from the Garden was a life of work - FOR 930 YEARS. Yep, it's God's fault you have to flip burger's at MacDonald's. So once again, FUCK YOU God, you displease me. And you can quote me on that, and shove it up your Heavenly Ass for all I care.
Pagan religions have myths and parables to dictate creation and, well, everything basically, but I have less to bitch about them, 'cause they really aren't as fucked up, gender, racial, and mankind-biased, as the others. Yet again though, I didn't ask to be brought into this world, whether or not the God and Goddess were dancing with each other, and humans fell from their hair, and the stars sparkled from their eyes. At least they aren't vindictive. At least we don't exist as a punishment in their eyes. And the Grecian/Roman Gods were all dickless pricks anyway, so lets just end it before I get too upset.