a n i m a t i o n . w o r d s & p i c t u r e s . f o r u m
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The Golden Shotgun AwardsBy: Ass-Slapper04.05.02 Human beings truly are magnificent creatures. Looking at just the nuts and bolts of this fecal-stew known as Earth, we are nothing more than extremely social, advanced mammals. And, as such, we are subject to basic, fundamental emotions and instincts - the most prevelant of which is that of self preservation. People who jump from buildings flail and grope, frantically searching for something to halt their impending death; the swallowing of fifty pills is almost always followed by a 911 call...even when we convince ourselves that death is the only solution, our most primal instincts seem more than willing to argue the point. Simply put - being more advanced, our sense of self preservation follows. Why can't we be more like animals? When a cat is seriously injured, it crawls off to a dark, hidden spot to die. When a Zebra is dragged down by a lioness, it stops fighting and just accepts its fate. They know when its over. They know when to call it quits. "I had a pretty decent life...might as well cash in the chips here. Sure, getting eaten sucks donkey-cock, but at least I'm not the bullseye in a circle jerk." The animal kingdom knows when to call it quits. Why can't we? Magic "Its with a 'J' right?" Johnson, basketball's most beloved virus hotel, recently announced his desire to become mayor of a city which contains almost as much AIDS as him. Mayor. Kiddies, the man is a pill cocktail away from a casket, and he desires a legitimate shot at the crown! This is what I'm talking about; an injured deer would have the good sense to just fuck off and die. No wonder Creationists deny the existence of evolution - we, as a species, won't let it happen. Survival of the fittest? Let's all thank medicine and talk shows for staving it off. So, in honour of this inkspot's tenacious grasp on life, may I present the Winners - people in, past and present, the spotlight. For their complete unwillingness to do the genepool service by dying, I hereby convey upon them the Golden Shotgun award. Point and click, you useless mother fuckers. Magic Johnson Might as well start this off with this year's unanimous champion. Born to a crackwhore and a Great Dane named Captain, Johnson spent twelve illustrious years in the NBA, wowing spectators with his primal, monkey like ability to defy gravity and soar like an eagle. In November of 1991, Magic fled the NBA because a blood test revealed the existence of HIV in his blood - most likely because of the random sluts he fucked all over the globe. Regretting that trip to Thailand, eh, tiger? Since that fateful day, he has been a veritable Zulu warrior for AIDS research and awareness, showing his disease riddled body to schoolchildren all over America. "See this? This shit be what happenin to yo ass when you be puttin yo dick in anything."  God damned medical science. This giant AIDS cake has been alive and kicking for well over a decade, flashing his toothy smile at any and every camera within eyesight. Now, he wants to enter politics. POLITICS, people - the one career that, above all others, requires clear, fluid speech, and an ability to read and write. LA is such an undeniable mess as it is - I shudder to think of how it will be after Blacky McAIDS takes the reigns. Hearing him speak is like standing next to a train wreck while staring at a Thoroughbred horse - you see something well groomed, respectable, but all you hear is an unGodly cornucopia of screeching, banging, and ear-bleeding, gutteral "poots." Instead of doing his undeniable duty and ending it all with a booyaka-tiggety-tap to the back of his oh-so-black skull, he is vying for control of one of the most violent cities in North America. Isn't that like putting a filthy chimp at the helm of a space shuttle? Have fun, LA.  FS: Thank you for this opportunity. Magic, what sort of initiatives will you be taking if elected mayor? Chris Burke Known as Corky on the short lived fag fest "Life Goes On," Chris Burke mercifully retreated from the media spotlight, most likely due to the fact that the television watching public finally came to the realization that retarded people are indeed terrifying. He now heads up numerous fundraising and awareness groups for mentally handicapped individuals, attempting to allow these thick browed drool-cannons to roam free. Corky feels comfortable with his fellow mega-tards coming into the stores that we work or shop in, banging their helmeted heads into walls and displays, throwing merchandise around in unjustifiable tantrums, eventually managing a gutteral series of violent expulsions of air and noise. Of course, we are all normal, and as such, blink dumbly, shrug our shoulders, and do our best to embrace what little patience we have left. This frustrates the retard. And, using their superhuman strength, they proceed to tear our arms from their sockets, and use them to bludgeon us to death. You know it happens. All the time. Just stare into their dark, souless eyes, watch their canine-like teeth glisten with the venom of hatred, and you'll agree that Corky must be stopped.  A...B...C...F...wait, wait...A...B... FS: Its great to speak with you, Chris. How has life been after Life Goes On?Why in the name of everything fucking sacred will he not stop? The fact that he was on television was forgivable - after all, he had the same qualities that Alf and E.T. had; he looked huggable, smiled a lot, and was dense enough to pass as a family pet. We watched in horror as he existed, year in and year out, experiencing everything that the rest of us always do, but always seem to overlook on account of our intelligence and civility making them standard. Corky had a girlfriend, got a job, and dealt with all of the bullies who *shock* called him a retard. It was a good run, but Chris refused to hang up the bib and sippy cup - now he fights for people just like him. Here's the problem - most mega-tards aren't like him in the least. You see, Chris was raised in a very enriching, loving environment, which aided him in the development of a near average I.Q. If all of them were like Chris, I'd be the first to welcome them into modern society. However, they are not; they mumble, stagger, and generally bumblefuck their way through everyday life, encouraged by their keepers (a.k.a. social workers) to interact with everyone they pass, all in an effort to integrate them into normal society.  Corky leads his army of the undead. Have you seen these people, Chris? Have you seen them sit in the middle of a mall and yell for half an hour? Have you seen them shit themselves in a bookstore and still try to ask the clerk about Britney Spears pictorials? They need legitimate, clinical, 24 hour a day help. They aren't adjusted for everyday life, and you fucking know it. I propose something different for our friend Corky...eat not the bang-bang end of the golden shotgun, but turn it upon your fellow retards. Free us, the civilized! You can stay....but if you shit yourself just once...oh, boy.... Heather Whitestone Most of you may not remember Heather, so I'll lay it down for you, East Coast style. Miss America Pageant. 1995. The final choices stood on the stage, in all of their insanely hot splendor, as millions of men masturbated directly onto their television screens. And then there was Heather. Her appearance was average at best, her movements and mannerisms nothing special, and her intelligence about equal to everyone else. And yet, somehow, this bitch stole the crown, although she didn't know it at first. You see, as her name was announced for all to hear, she stared into the audience, devoid of any sentient thought whatsoever - cummuffin here is deaf.  Doing what she does best... FS: Well, Heather, congratulations on your historic win!Maybe its the dopey eyes, or that droopey smile. Perhaps its the long, ratty hair, or those ponchie cheeks. Whatever it is, Whitestone is UGLY. One does not immediately become violently ill when seeing her for the first time, but when her fellow contestants at the time are placed next to her, Heather quickly becomes about as attractive as an unlubricated body cavity search. These days, she spends her time fighting for the rights of deaf actors and models; in short, Hollywood should be forced to employ more deaf actors. Excuse me? What ever happened to earning your work? Continuity? Tell you what, Whitestump, if a role calls for a deaf person, Hollywood will call you - until then, shut the fuck up and quit pushing your deaf shit on us. Do us all a favour and finish yourself off with the sweet embrace of a firearm. I promise, you won't hear a thing. Hally Berry I'll level with you...I had neither the time or inclination to do any research about her sordid past, so we'll just stick to her more recent activities. My attention wasn't particularly drawn to Hally until the entire Universe made an enormous deal of her breast baring fiasco in that oh so shitty film Operation Swordfish. At that point, she seemed to latch on to stardom like a starving pup at its mother's teat - many people, obviously blind and gay, called her a "sex goddess." Her role in X-Men, although not a major one, was nonetheless annoying. And, in Monsters Ball, she was most unspectacular, her "emotional" scenes nothing you wouldn't see on Jerry Springer.  These two apparently stopped Apartheid. For real. FS: Let me first offer my congratulations on your recent Oscar!Why did I list her as a person with a disability? Well, she's black, isn't she? That's technically a massive disability, isn't it? I'm not a complete fuck - I acknowledge that there is still a degree of racism in the world, particularly in the US - but it certainly isn't pre-civil war out there. Listening to some of these people rant and bitch, you'd think we're in the midst of a gang war. I'll make you a deal, Jesse Jackson - if you get your "brothers" to stop shooting cops and children in the throat, we'll all accept you into civilized society. As for Berry, I can sum it up very quickly for you.  Watch as she waves off her cue to end her speech. Damn, this bitch can suck at the spotlight like a Bangkok whore on a dick. Swordfish: She was the token whore. X-Men: She played Storm, and as a testament to her acting "ability," she was mercifully given few lines. Monsters Ball: Perhaps someone could help me out here...all Hally did was scream and carry on like she was having a crack overdose. I'd give the Golden Shotgun to her, but she just wouldn't accept it - somehow, someway, she has convinced the world that she is actually worth something. Now, with an Oscar under her belt, she can actually start demanding obscene amounts of money for doing what she does best - acting horribly. Here's a little word of advice, Berry...you didn't open any doors, or break any ceilings...you played the race card right before the Oscars, and scored yourself an Award based on politics, not your acting ability. It won't work forever, though; next year, the Academy is going back to what it does best - giving awards based on ability and accomplishments - neither of which you possess. Of course, there are many other worthy recipients, but as I have run out of cocaine and vodka, I must draw these awards to a close. Join us next time when I teach Oddball how to suck four cocks - all at the SAME TIME! |
