How to Become a MinisterBy: Josh
I came up with the name "E-Reverend" thinking I was being quite clever, the "E" relating to my online sermons being "Electronic" and the name's phonetic similarity to "irreverent." Too bad it's a dumb and over-used nickname, but what can I do? I'm stuck with it. Same deal with "Dot-Communism", oh well, so I'm an idiot. Oftentimes, when/if it comes up, most people don't believe that I'm actually a Reverend, because I was ordained online. So I've decided to take the time to describe how I was ordained, and why I AM a freaking Minister!
"Your ordination makes you equal with any other minister."
Becoming Ordained as a Minister can be a long, hard ambition to achieve, one taking years of spiritual, and financial, "enlightenment" in seminary school. Plus the many anal "cleansings." Of course, getting Ordained online can cut through all of that, and save your rectum from one or two "blessings" from the Pastor to boot! Unless you lean towards holy "exorcisms", then you may ask, E-Rev, how can I avoid having my anal cavity "filled with the holy spirit" and still become a Minister? Man, are you lucky I'm here. The Universal Life Church is one of a few places that can fulfill your life's dream.
"People who don't believe I'm a Minister"
"The Universal Life Church will ordain anyone, FREE for Life. Become a LEGALLY ORDAINED MINISTER ONLINE at this website and start your own ministry or church today." <-- E-Rev = 1, Dumb People = 0
The ordination form looks like the one pictured above, and you receive a nifty, ministers licence in your e-mail inbox, like the one pictured to the left. No worries about them selling your e-mail to any SPAMmers, or sending you junk mail: I received one or two e-mails from them, and haven't heard a peep since. But, what does this prove? How legit is all this crap anyway?
"All any human can do is recognize your minister calling, by recording your ordination. This recording is what makes your ordination legal, in the eyes of the government and society." <-- YOU READ THAT? ASSHOLES!
So, it's legit, and legally sound. All you really need is to be ordained by, in the Universal Life Church's case, Bishop Kirby J. Hensley, and you're set. So, after you've become a Minister, so what? What's the point, and what can you do with it?
"You, before becoming a reverend"
"Services like the Absolution of Sins & Granting of Plenary Indulgence, confidential counseling, private communication by telephone in emergencies, assistance in securing government benefits you may be entitled to, help you in preparing government state/federal paperwork, Letters of Good."
You can also"..perform weddings, assist in marriage ceremonies, do baptisms, funerals and much more."
Benefits? You want BENEFITS?
"Did you know that many companies offer discounts to ministers, ministers have a longer life expectancy for insurance carriers, insurance rates are often lower, if you ask - benefits can be yours just for the asking and the showing of your ministerial wallet ID or wall credential."
Well, this last one seems to sum up my proof for any non-believers, or skeptics..
"The United States Constitution guarantees our rights of Freedom of Religion. That includes ordination, Independent Ministries, Church Charters, and Christian education." <-- HA! It's in the Constitution!
"You, after becoming a Reverend"
In a nutshell, what you're basically being told is that I AM a Minster, and that you can become one as well, freely and easily. As a Minister, you are free to have your own religion, begin and Preach in your own religion. Call it "Jerry's House of God" if you want, the possibilities are endless. Then, use it to claim "religious holidays" at work or school, or any number of things. Perform Marriages, Funerals, Baptism's, Sermons, get tax benefits, and cook one mean Lemon Flambe. Pretty much anything short of breaking any federal laws in "the name of God". Your name will be saved and recorded in their Reverend-database, and all without having any member of the Pulpit stick his penis inside of you and RAPE YOU like they're so fond of doing.
CLICK HERE TO BECOME A MINISTER