Mideast 101: A Primer in Religious Fucktardation

Allow me to take a vote:

Who among you filthy monkeys is confused about the Mideast?

I thought so...

Am i properly equipped to educate you? Well, maybe not, but i do have an opinion, so shove it.

For several decades now, the holy pissing contest they have been holding over there has soured my mood on many a day. I'm so tired of the whole thing, that i would ordinarily be all cheers if one of those righteous dingleberries decided to blow themselves up into sweaty, curry scented confetti, but i do object to it when they do it in the middle of someone else's party. That's just plain rude. I suppose when one lives out in the desert feasting on livestock shit, the finer points of civilization might be elusive, but come on…

I think tonight i will bury the feces for an extra five minutes.
It came out a little soggy last time.

Of course no one wants to turn their back on the mid-east for a moment since the economy of the entire 'civilized' world kind of rests on all of that oil. I'll be really glad when it dries up and we won't have to deal with them or pay attention to their zealous antics any longer. It'll just be too bad when we can no longer heat our homes, refrigerate our food, or check our e-mail, and the whole of civilization degenerates into a bloody, perhaps nuclear, orgy of burning and maiming. Eh... i've lived through several Lords of Acid concerts. It won't be too much worse.

Laugh at my nawgahide complexion, but i can buy and
sell your ass five thousand times over.

Thanks to Israel and Palestine, things have only gotten more precarious these past few months. Couldn't they have waited for the all important Americans to finish the War on Terrorism? Don't they know the US is in the middle of a war against a concept? With how well the US's other nationless wars are going, the War on Drugs for example, they should realize that this War on Terrorism will be over in just a matter of months, and then the US will be free to stick its head up the ass of the Mid-east once again. But no… Palestine got blue balls and decided to blow a couple nuts (religious nuts that is) all over Israel's punem.

Not to make light of the situation, but
i think this guy's hair is the biggest disaster of all.

So in retaliation, Prime Minister Ariel "The Little Mermaid" Sharon decided to throw down the Yamulkah and string Yasir "Yasser" Arafat up by his own Djellaba. Sharon, as i hope you all know, has had Arafat besieged in the Palestinian headquarters for a couple days now. And now Sharon is calling for Arafat to be exiled. He does this only because he doesn't want to martyr Arafat, obviously, but does he really think exile is going to help matters when dealing with someone he claims to be a terrorist? So now instead of being visible, Arafat will be off in the wasteland calling the shots out of sight. Maybe he and Osama can be bunkmates...

Sharon says "go away, you bad man".
'Fat' says "lick a panda's dirty ass with Heinz tomato catsup."

This is why the local Palestinians of my area held a "Free Palestine" march by my apartment this last weekend. While i sympathize with some of them, especially with a beastie like Sharon at the helm of Israel, i have to wonder "why the hell should i care?" It has been announced that the US can expect Palestinian suicide bombers soon enough. Am i suppose to smpathize now? Please, just let me grab my copy of the Qur'an before i run to the front lines. Do i have to bring my own personal incendiary device?

The first female suicide bomber back in January:
her nose was the only thing to survive the blast.

I am happy to say that their paper-thin solidarity drew little attention, and only slowed traffic slightly. Thank Zeus, it was raining that day. The falling moisture confused their small, desert dwelling minds and their pathetic little posterboard protest signs fell over more limply than my dick upon seeing their women without their veils (No wonder they keep those dogs covered!). I should add, all of these yutzes were wearing mass produced clothing, no doubt made by their impoverished brothers and sisters. I know how hard it is to find a product that isn't soiled with the blood of the masses, but i still find it hilariously ironic since they object to America's abuse of third world poverty (or at least they should lest they be hypocrites...). Not to say that Globalization is the major issue at hand... shut up... it's a valid point!

What better way to say "Fuck you, you heathen, capitalist pigs"
than with a T-shirt emblazoned with Nike!

I well realize the Palestinians have been totally shit on. I realize that Sharon is a murderous fiend not even really supported by his own people and awaiting a War Crimes Trial in Belgium the moment he loses his office. I realize that Arafat is pulled in one too many directions. But who can condone the approach that these kamikaze fucknuts are taking? I think they are overestimating the restraint of the world. Long before they all self-destruct, someone is going to step up and wipe out every one that even resembles a terrorist.

Let's see... Darkskinned, fuzzy, and hooknosed... Better kill it to be safe...

Given enough anger and fear has accumulated in the general populace, such a tyrant will be allowed to do anything he wishes. Look at Bush. He's already written himself a blank check to do anything in the name of public security. He's only begun to cash it. With his OK, the FBI has imprisoned over a 1000 muslim Americans without even charging them. Around 200 Jews have also been imprisoned without being charged. Unfortunately, Sharon, being an opportunistic, violent thug, also decided to cash in on America's moral blank check. Since we are doing everything in the name of a war on terrorism, this latest action in Ramallah demands our support because Sharon is now claiming to be waging his own war on terrorism. Now, the rest of the world, including Europe, is ready to blame the US for the whole mess. Bravo, Bush. You've really fucked us now.

"What Me Worriate?"

So now Arafat is holed up in the last standing building of his official compound. By not condemning the terrorist actions of his countrymen, something that would probably have meant his assassination or at least his early exile, he is now getting raped by Sharon. I don't envy his position. In a sense, he did it to himself by not accepting the relatively generous terms made by Israel a few years back. He'll have plenty of time to think about that while locked in his headquarters. It's time out for you 'Fatty.'

Romantic Yasir by candlelight: Sorry ladies, but he's spoken for...

Newsflash: Israel has announced it will stop it's assult "soon". Basically, the US is playing parent as usual, and since we are still giving little Israel her allowance (so she can run out and buy bubblegum and Palestinian smooshing tanks) , it looks like she is coyly saying okay. I suspect she's going to smack Palestine around a little more before actually cutting it out, though. And of course if we reprimand either one, they will both say "She started it!" Children... And since the world's attention span can only handle one major event at a time, and one event is only interesting for all of five minutes, let us reflect on other major events that have occurred and been slightly overlooked:

McDonald's Scam Ringleader Pled Guilty! The ringleader of the multimillion dollar "Monopoly Gamepiece" scam pled guilty (duh!) and will be repaying McDonald's several million dollars. Are we supposed to consider this justice?

Ronald already has your money, and now he has the money
that would've gone to your prizes. Ronald is a dirty bitch.

Stripper Mayor Voted out of Office! A recall for Ex-Stripper Mayor Koleen Brooks ended her year long term. See kids: people can't better themselves! If you ever do something other people don't like, you are screwed for life. Once a stripper, always a striper they say...

Queen Mother Dies! The 102 year old matriarch has eaten her last crumpet. She will be missed most by the boutiques kept in business by her poor fashion sense.

Another Royal bites the dust. We won't hear any Elton John songs
rewritten for this one, thank god, except maybe "The Bitch Isn't Coming Back."

But no... the media has been too busy confusing poor, misinformed America on what's going on over in the Mid-East to gratify us with these meager dramas. Now there are people supporting Sharon because he is taking heavy action against people who resemble Osama Bin laden and blow shit up. They don't know a single bit about what Palestine has been through and what Sharon has done in the past, but Sharon looks like their grandfathers and Yasir looks like a poorly groomed, fleshy Mephistopheles. Sharon makes them think of leather arm chairs and Werther's Original butterscotch and Yasir makes them think of geography class and goatsex.

Sharon: He likes his meat kosher, his men circumcised,
and his Palestinians slightly crispy.

My opinion: Israel is temporarily insane as long as Sharon is in office. Remember, this is the guy who went from village to village killing Palestinian civilians unnecessarily as Israel nabbed half of Palestine and called it their own (hence his impending War Crimes trial). This happened back in the 60's and Palestine has been pissed ever since. The first Intifada was enacted because of it. And no, Intifada is not the newest gordita/chalupa hybrid from Taco Bell; it's the term for this holy bloodfart that Palestine is about to squirt all over the Mid East. We can expect a little spatter to reach our end eventually. Don't remember any of the violence? We were too young for the first Intifada, but here is some footage from two years ago. This lovely footage, caught by a French cameraman, was taken in Gaza of a twelve year old boy and his father getting chewed up by Israeli bullets, fired under command by Sharon.

Gee... i can't tell if those two are about to shoot at us, or if they are petrified with fear. We'd better tear them up just to be safe.

Palestinians clearly have the right to be pissed, but they obviously haven't learned how to be taken seriously by the rest of the world. Blowing yourself and others up, especially other civilians, is just not how you do it these days. They must have also forgotten that Yasir blew several chances for peace during the Clinton years when Barak was Prime Minister of Israel and ready to reinstate parts of Palestine. Everyone should be sharing the blame, but everyone is too damn righteous to admit to any part of it. This is how wars get started, people!

Mecha-Yasir!!! The last hope of Palestine

So head for the hills, people. The century old idiocy is spreading, and with an Antichrist like Sharon on one side and a corrupt old goat like Arafat on the other, no one is going to walk away clean from this one.

Ready the Panic Room, kids, 'cause EVERYONE is after you.

Nice knowing you.