a n i m a t i o n . w o r d s & p i c t u r e s . f o r u m

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Give it up for Lent

By: Josh
03.02.01

All right, Rip-Off week is no more, I was enjoying it about as much as you were, so nuts to that. Some of you may have noticed that I got a webcam, even after berating them and all who use them quite extensively. I even weaseled my way onto a portal or two. So I'm a hypocrite, let me know if I break your computer screen or something. Please don't read this sermon, go read one of the other ones, they're better.

To begin on a good note, because I'm gonna begin no matter how bad it's gonna end, with a shiny, new domain, let's ask that time-honored question: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH CATHOLICS? Right around now they're starting that lent crap, giving something up for lent? I've been hearing about it all over TV and the radio, and it's all bullshit. The idea is that you give up something you love, or that is really important to you up for 40 days, and, on Easter forget about it and gorge yourself again. But they actually tried to reason something out of this: Jesus suffered for you, so you can suffer for Jesus. FUCK YOU! SERIOUSLY, I'm sick of the same old shit-peddling Jesus-promoting hogwash. Did I nail him up? I was a few, good thousands years away from committing any sins when he died, 'sides you can just go to Church and confess, be forgiven, and go out and sin all over again. Who cares anymore? So he died, it was nice of him, sure, but he's the mother-fucking (and I mean that literally, look it up) Son of God, who cares if he dies? Technically, If he was the son of God, then God would exist, and he'd go to Heaven right? So, it was probably better up there than on Earth back then, a lot less crowded too. So great, he gets off, gets to go up to heaven clean, albeit with a little pain involved, and leave the rest of us to the stupid, dirty Romans fornicator's. Not only that, but it's not like he even stayed dead, so WHOOPDEEDOO ! ! ! Impressive Jesus, really, I have some trouble shoving this boulder-sized grain of salt down my throat though.

These Catholics, you know, if I was in some position of power in the Catholic diocese, I'd convert, change my name, and move to Australia. On one hand you get the psychos running naked down main street, screaming at people to repent. Then you have the grizzly, old, homeless men with "the end is near" and what-not written on signs, just screaming at people. Then there's your religious, drunken-hick, alien abductees, child-molesting parishioners, and World Leaders to deal with.

So we're giving up something dear to our hearts to celebrate, and further have the fact that Jesus "died" for "our sins," into our minds? Yet still we go to hell for 'em. It all seems like a never-ending cycle of religious psychoneurotic, and I know I only have a small store of 50-cent words here but, BULLSHIT! It makes little to no sense, ah screw it. Hey, here's an interesting thing you might want to write down in the "I really don't give a fuck E-Rev" area of your mind, I know Jesus. Yep, me and Ol' Jehovah go way back and, interestingly enough, we spent Valentine's Day together. We were just a couple a young punks on the prowl for some cheap women and some cheaper wine. I just got the pictures back from the shop today, and, boy do they bring back some memories. Would you like to hear about Jesus and The E-Rev's Valentine's Day a Go-Go? Sure, sure you would.

Here's a short transcript of a phone call I got from the Jesus early Valentine's Eve:
::phone rings::
E-Rev: Yeah?
Jesus: Sup nigga?
E-Rev: Jesus? That you man, when'd they let you of county?
Jesus: Da Jesus don wanna talk 'bout jail now chump, les go get to da drinkin'!
E-Rev: Ok. I'da thought they'd put child molesters away a lot longer than that.
Jesus: No one fucks wit Da Jesus. For tonite-WE DRINK! Then we get da pelt!
E-Rev: I love you Jesus!
Jesus: Da Jesus luves joo too. Peace out.

And so began our soon-to-be famous night of alcoholic stuporing. Jesus didn't have much cash after all too recently getting out of jail, and I only had enough for some 40's, so 40's we drank. "Da big beer for da big men" says Jesus. So, our photographic journey begins.

So there's The Jesus on left in the bar we went to, and boy could he pack it away, I'm telling you this Messiah drinks Schlitz like it's water my friends, water. After we got good and rogered, get this, The Jesus starts grabbing all the waitress in a none-too-gentlemanly way if you get my drift. But one of them says we can go back to her place after she gets off work, where some friends will be waiting. He tells me its something in the eyes that they can't turn down, and who could resist a face like that? So we occupied ourselves until she got off work by getting the local animals plastered in a nearby park. Even the animals love JesusŠ.that dog threw up on my crotch. A definite high point of the park experience was Jesus preaching to us about the importance of professional wrestling in modern-day society.

Upon our return to the waitress, The Jesus decided to show her how to drive like "da man." But before we left the parking lot, he gave her a good look at the length of his tongue, "made be da best" he slurred, making outrageous promises about what the night would entail for her. That's me in the back, unfortunately, the waitresses mistook me for a gay man, and decided to hook me up with the gay barkeep. Interesting fellow, truly interesting, and with a HUGE dick!

"Les get it ohn!" The Jesus yelled and proceeded to take his clothes off when we arrived at her apartment. Ahh. Good times, good times. Have you ever seen the Son of God dry-humping a kitten? If not, then how have you managed to survive so long without humor in your life?

But she was a little turned off by his overly hairy body, "wooly mammoth bahbee," so she threw up then passed out in the bathtub. The Jesus somehow got his clothes back on, drooled all over himself for hours while me and the barkeep laughed at him. By this point we were well good and drunk, I mean, I'd swear I pissed at least three times at this girls apartment but I'll be a purple-assed baboon if I could tell you where. I know I never ventured into the bathroom. Oh, and some guy I don't know fucked a Teddy Bear on the coffee table, while I took the picturesŠŠŠŠŠ.well, at least somebody got some, though I don't think that bear will ever be the same again.

Thus ended our night. Our Valentine's Day A Go-Go. I woke up with my head shaved, and I never heard from the Jesus again. Some say he got arrested for getting a little too friendly with that dog, but, I don't believe it. For, wherever there is a hole, The Jesus will be there, wherever there is beer, The Jesus will be there, and no restraining order can stand in the way of The Holy ShitŠ.oh and I Married the Teddy Bear and That sweater Guy last weekend in Vegas. Such a lovely couple, though that bear's a little, teddy bear-slut if you ask me!

Yeah so to hell with giving anything up for lent, why not over-indulge a little. Jesus did die for those sins, might as well stock up.

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