a n i m a t i o n . w o r d s & p i c t u r e s . f o r u m
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Everything But The Kitchen SinkBy: Josh09.07.01  So I had
this dilema. I found this terribly interesting book-exerpt about Pope Alexander
"But he's just a raggedy man" VI,
involving orgies, incest, murder, deceit and general Papal debauchery. Problem
was, there was nothing I could add to it, barring maybe a few pictures of the
popemobile. So I scrounged up some crap about Christian Hardcore and combined
the two into an unrelenting fury "Two
sermons enter, one sermon leaves" kind of deal. Feel free to read whichever
one you want. 
Bah, I'm just stalling to give my pictures enough time to load . . . Now all I need to make my life to be complete is for Hollywood to team up Slyvester Stallone and Kurt Russell again.  Tango:Cash! Cash:Tango! Audience:INSTANT CLASSIC! Me:*STALL* *STALL* *STALL* That was a little unfair, I did that to throw you off the path. Anyway, "Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls : dying time's here" Article one : Holy Pope, That's A Big Hat You Have There (completely obscure and out-of-place 80's movie quote-contest included) The following is taken from William Manchester's "A World Lit Only by Fire- The Medieval Mind and The Renaissance"..Little, Brown & Company, 1992 Once Borgia
became Pope Alexander VI, Vatican parties, already wild, grew wilder. They were
costly, but he could afford the lifestyle of a Renaissance prince; as vice chancellor
of the Roman Church, he had amassed enormous wealth. As guests approached the
papal palace, they were excited by the spectacle of living statues: naked, gilded
young men and women in erotic poses. Flags bore the Borgia arms, which, appropriately,
portrayed a red bull rampant on a field of gold. Every fete had a theme. One,
known to Romans as the Ballet of the Chestnuts, was held on October 30, 1501.
The indefatigable Burchard describes it in his Diarium. After the banquet dishes
had been cleared away, the city's fifty most beautiful whores danced with the
guests, "first clothed, then naked." The dancing over, the "ballet" began, with
the Pope and two of his children in the best seats. Obscure and out-of-place quote - "I'm the guy who carries Mr. Death around in his back pocket" Candelabra
were set up on the floor, scattered among them were chestnuts, "which", Burchard
writes, "the courtesans had to pick up, crawling between the candles." Then the
serious sex started. Guests stripped and ran out onto the floor, where they mounted,
or were mounted by, the prostitutes. "The coupling took place," according to Burchard,
"in front of everyone present." Servants kept score of each man's orgasms, for
the Pope greatly admired virility, and measured a man's machismo by his ejaculative
capacity. After eveyone was exhausted, His Holiness distributed prizes- cloaks,
boots, caps, and fine silken tunics. "The winners", the diarist wrote, "were those
who made love with the courtesans the greatest number of times." Obscure and out-of-place quote - "No matter where you go, there you are." About the
Pope and his daughter, Lucrezia: "His daughter had just turned seventeen and was
at the height of her beauty. We now know that he was, in fact, her lover. ..Here,
however, the tale darkens. Romans had scarcely absorbed the news that the father
lusted for his daughter when they learned even more. Lucrezia was said to be unavailable
to her father because she was already deeply involved in another incestuous relationship,
or relationships- a triangular entanglement with both her handsome brothers. The
difficulty, it was whispered, was that although she enjoyed coupling with both
of them, each, jealous of the other, wanted his sister for himself. Another obscure and out-of-place quote - "No Deal! DISARM!" On the morning
of June 15, 1497, Juan Borgia's corpse was found floating in the Tiber mutilated
by nine savage dagger wounds. "Borgia's enjoyment of the flesh was enhanced when the woman beneath him was married, particularly if he had presided at her wedding. Breaking any commandment excited him, but he was partial to the seventh. As priest he married Rosa to two men. She may have actually slept with her husbands from time to time- since Borgia always kept a stable of women, she was allowed an occasional night off to indulge her own sexual preferences- but her duties lay in his eminence's bed. Then, at the age of fifty-nine, he yearned for a more nubile partner. His parting with Rosa was affectionate. Later he gave her a little gift- he made her brother a cardinal." Too many obscure and out-of-place quotes - "You've got to understand: this is home, and there ain't no 'morrow 'morrow land." There were
critics of the corruption in the church, and they invariably met gruesome deaths.
Girolamo Savonarola, (1452-1498) gave marathon sermons denouncing the church's
hypocrisy saying "The Papal Palace had literally become a house of prostitution
where harlots sit upon the throne of Solomon and signal to the passersby. Whoever
can pay enters and does what he wishes." At last, "the Pope condemned him as a
heretic, sentenced him to torture, and finally had him hanged and burned in the
Plaza della Signoria." No one's ever gonna guess these - "Bust a deal, face the wheel" The "Age
of Faith", the 1000 years of the Dark Ages, was marked by a very low standard
of living for most people. They lived in filth, sanitation being considered too
sensual to be pious. The average life expectancy was only 25 or 30, and Bubonic
Plague, Typhus and a host of other diseases regularly decimated hundreds of thousands
of people. In the winter of 1349, 120,000 people died in England, one out of every
three. Continental Europe had similar death counts during the 1300's, recurring
waves of plague sweeping the countrysides, whole towns dying in days. The church
encouraged ignorance: "Saint Bernard of Clairvaux (1090-1153), the most influential
Christian of his time, bore a deep distrust of the intellect and declared that
the pursuit of knowledge, unless sanctified by a holy mission, was a pagan act
and therefore vile." Put this quote in your pipe and smoke it - "Well how the world turns, one day cock of the walk, the next: a feather duster" "The distinction
between devotion and superstition has always been unclear, but there was little
blurring here. Although they called themselves Christians, medieval Europeans
were ignorant of the gospels. The Bible only existed in a language they could
not read. The mumbled incantations at Mass were meaningless to them. They believed
in sorcery, witchcraft, hobgoblins, werewolves, amulets, and black magic, and
were thus indistinguishable from pagans. Scholars as eminent as Erasmus and Sir
Thomas More accepted the existence of witchcraft. The church encouraged superstitions,
recommended trust in faith healers, and spread tales of satyrs, incubi, sirens,
cyclops, tritons, and giants, explaining they were all manifestations of Satan."
FLY, Quote, FLY! - "Fly, Walker, Fly!" "The Pied
Piper of Hamelin was a real man, but there was nothing enchanting about him. Quite
the opposite: he was horrible, a psychopath and pederast who, on June 20, 1484,
spirited away 130 children in the Saxon village of Hammel and used them in unspeakable
ways. Accounts of the aftermath vary. According to some, his victims were never
seen again; others told of dismembered little bodies found scattered in the forest
underbrush or festooning the branches of trees." I ran out of quotes . . . The depravities
of the Catholic church bred the Protestants, and the invention of mass printing
during the same time brought a dawn of knowledge, a re-nascence of thinking that
had been put down 1000 years before. The Protestants stripped the Christian philosophy
of all of the colorful Catholic trappings, bringing us the sanitized, cinder-block
Baptist church of today, more prudish, still scorning intellect and learning.
Article Two : "ARRRRRRREIIII RAHG EAGH EAAAAAAA!!!1212@" Translation: "Kneel To Zod, The Baffling Existence of Christian Hardcore" Yeah, "Christan Hardcore". Known to some as "Christcore," known to some as "Godcore," and known to others "You're-Fucking-Kidding-Me-Core." first off, I'll tell you this stuff is stupid. If you don't want to download the songs, take my word for it, it's really fucking stupid. I've heard Christian Punk, like MxPx, before, but, this was nothing like Christian Punk. To paraprhase (re: steal) a Norm Macdonald joke "Watch for new Godcore this Christmas: Happy Birthday Jesus, hope ya like suck". It baffles me, honestly, I can understand people having beliefs, as foolish/misguided/cockamamey as they may be, and I could even say I comprehend Christian Country: rednecks + jesus = country, it's a simple equation. Christian Country: "They never took her to Church They never spoke of his name Never read from his words Daddy was drunk, while Momma took drugs They never gave her no love, never gave her no hugs"  So you love Jesus: that don't impress me much I didn't say it was good, I just said I could comprehend its existence. Oh, for the record, rhyming "Drugs" with "Hugs"? GENIOUS! Christian Hardcore: ARRRR GUYIIIIIII NA NA NANA NAASHHHS PIKA PIKA Translation: I Love Jesus Christian Ska: Pick it up, Pick it up, Pick it up Translation: I Love Jesus Christian Rock: With Arms Wide Open Translation: Has no one assasinated me yet? Well, you just wait until our next album comes out, then we'll see how long I survive . . with arms WIDE OPEN!!! . . .WIDE OPEN!!!  For the record, LONG LIVE CREED!!! 
First off, there's "Tomorrow", a Christcore band. You never would have thought, from the picture, a nice respectable punk-looking band like these fellows would be spouting lyrics like - "The love of God, Restores my soul. The power of the Almighty, Makes me whole." You need to hear the song for full effect though. CLICK HERE To hear "Love The Enemy" By "Tomorrow." First, the music isn't bad, I kind of enjoyed it, but the lyrics, dear lord, and the vocalist? I stand by my "really fucking stupid" comment. Verse 1: What we hear: ARRRRR WEOEOEOE AWOOGA AWWOOOOOGA DAdADKXCvlkn ALLLLLLLL What we're supposed to hear: I'll Praise The Lord GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA POO POO POO BAWAHAHAHAH Express Him Joy MEOOOOOOOOW wna na sjklsldg;clzx CX"Z""X"Z"""" I'll shout to the Lord, GRUNT In a joyful song. Chorus: "So I'll...SHOUT!" Which comes out like "AHHHHHH*cough-hack-spit*HHHHHHHH" The next Verse, is supposed to be - "He conquers my troubles, So I might rise above them, And heals my wounds, I love you so much! SHOUT!" Again, which sounds like someone slowly digging out the innards of a rabid jungle-cat with a spoon, to the beat of "Rock The Casbah" while Joe Strummer sits in the corner praying.  Dink One: "but, cousin, why a spoon?" Dink Two:"Because it's dull you twit, it'll hurt more!" You know, in all honesty, those aren't the lyrics to that song. They are "Tomorrow" lyrics, but the lyrics for that song weren't posted on the site, and when I tried to decipher them myself, I could only make out the howls of my vaccuum cleaner full of newborn kittens being run through a wood chipper. My Theory:  Non: How come I gotta be Mr. Pink Zod: 'Cause you're a faggot, now shut up If you've ever seen Superman II, you might remember Ursa, Non and Zod: the three Kryptonians trapped in a vinyl record cover spinning through space and time, who landed on Earth, and didn't do much but shout "KNEEL TO ZOD" a lot. Non, my theory states, is the origin of Christian Hardcore. He's a mindless follower of (G)Zod, who grunts and spits out whatever he has to say seemingly because he has no tongue and no brain to speak of, or with. See, the joke is: I'm calling Christcore bands mindless zombies who play shitty music and have no tongues. And I used yet another obscure 80's movie reference to do it. I'M SO GOOD. 
Ok, heh, okay, download the song. DO IT! Honestly, I don't understand how they can call themselves a "Hardcore" anything. excepting maybe "Hardcore piece of crap, with discoloured chunks of corn and newborn kittens being run through a wood chipper on christmas morning because, as it turns out, Daddy DOESNT like kitties . . .HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS" or "Hardcore - at least we dont sound like the last band, or Kenny G," or, as is most fitting - "Hardcore - WE LOVE OZZY"! Here's some Oil lyrics: "The promise has been madeImagine that song put to some Ozzy music, of course replacing "Satan" with "Jesus" and "Weed" with "Love," and you've got some kick-assingly-ass-kicking . . . Ozzy rip-off piece-of-shit illeged-Hardcore Christian sunday-school No-No's. I mean, did Jesus or did Jesus not say "Thou shalt not suck?" Fucking sinners *STALL* *STALL* *STALL* Let's have a look at what the Bands Biography had to say about it's members - 
Ron Rineheart - Lead VocalsRon was delivered from drugs, alcohol, violence, and himself by the power of God back in 1992. Ron left Dark Angel shortly after receiving Christ at a Harvest Crusade. Ron currently fellowships at The Lighthouse Church of Long Beach, and wears that toque all the time, even in summer. He's THAT badass.  Blake
Nelson - Lead Guitar Blake was delivered from drugs, alcohol, sex addictions, witchcraft and demon worship when he received Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior in 1992. Blake attended Calvary Chapel Bible College for a time and currently is part of the worship team at The Lighthouse Church of Long Beach.  Jason
Vander Pal - Drums Jason has a tiny head, honestly, that's one small fucking head. He wears a baddass scowl, not unlike the one pictured, often. Even when the other band members tell him he hits the drums like a girl, and ask him what color panties he wears.  Matthew
Joy - Bass Guitar Matthew has not cut his hair in over 20 years. He keeps it at a clean, crisp 29.0198 inches, because that's the same length Ozzy's hair was when Matthew's Mom drove him to an Ozzy concert (he was 24) and he climbed up on stage and pulled some of the confused Ozzy's hair out with his underdeveloped, child-sized hands. Matthew sleeps with the lock of hair under his pillow, he claims it gives him power. He is not married, he's over 40, he has grossly out-of-proportion hands, and he's still a virgin.And the Big draw on the main page of Oil's site, would be the !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Which is essentially a story that goes like this: We played a show at church last week and there was a wedding, and they didn't want us to play, because, well I don't know why, they weren't Ozzy fans.In summation: this music is bad music, period. When it becomes bad music about Jesus, then it becomes . . . badder music. When I grow up, Im-a be a writer. All in all, Godcore sucks worse then N'Sync's Dirty Pop, and Destiny's Child's Booty all rolled into one and ran through a wood chipper. And I really have nothing else to add to that.  FUNNY JOKER MAN IS ME! IT'S EVERYTHING AND THE KITCHEN SINK! Someone please tell me that you know what movie those quotes came from, and seriously, anything you want me to write about, I'll do it: you can order me to discuss how mindnumbingly pointless it was for them to show us Kevin Bacon's Infa-Red Wang in Hollow Man, or even how sad it is that after Star Wars, Mark Hammil turned into a creepy, greasy, pock-marked old redneck who had to flee to the shadows of voice-acting on crappy cartoon shows. Or even what the hell happened to the first fat kid on Charles in Charge when they replaced him with the Second Fat Kid on Charles in Charge. But, just in case any of you decide to be lazy and choose those(though I doubt I can avoid another Jesus-Shirts/Jesus-Products), I'm going to tell you the punch lines now. 
Mark Hammil: Voice actor? I was in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, thank you very much Me: Yeah, and your name was "Cock-Knocker" Second Fat Kid on Charles in Charge: There was NEVER another fat kid on Joanie Loves Chachi Kevin Bacon: Aww, come on, you have no sense of fun. Me: Put it away bacon, or I cut out your innards with a spoon. Guy of Gisborne: But Cousin, why a spoon? Me: Because it's dull you twit, it'll hurt more. |
