a n i m a t i o n . w o r d s & p i c t u r e s . f o r u m
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J.Lo's Real: Who Knew?By: Josh09.28.01 Jennifer Lopez seems to be the last remaining demon-spawn of the short-lived latin music craze: Ricki Martin? Marc Anthony? Menudo??? GONE! I italicized latin music because I don't think you can classify one group of a genre music that sounds the same as the rest of that genre, "latin", just because the singers are latino. Hooray for being able to sing in another language and all but does N'Sync go around calling their music Dirty pop simply because they enjoy putting large objects up their rectums? Hey, he called N'Sync gay, give him the most original writer of the year award. Anyway, yadda yadda J.Lo : P-Diddy "who WON the bet?" yadda yadda booty, yadda yadda awaiting assassination attempt yadda, J.Lo confuses(confusing because she just-wont-go-away) the world by releasing yet another (s)hit single "I'm Real". See, the "S" makes hit into SHIT. Who's funny? I'm funny. Seconds later, J.Lo further proves her musical talent and creativity by releasing a remix of the song with some guy I've never heard of, causing every yahoo chat room above the equator to excitedly e-shout "OMG!!*shriek*! LIKE REMIXES ARE ALWAYS 100 BA-JAILLION TIMES BETTER THEN THE ORIGINALL!!!2!!@@@lsakfgdsl!". Yet, the title and lyrics of the song have me asking myself: what exactly is she trying to tell us? (If I ever spend as much time picking apart a J.Lo song again, I want someone to mail bomb me.)  Do YOU Yahoo? I'm Real I'm Real I'm Real I'm Real Yes Lassie? I think she's trying to tell us something. So she's real, but where was the confusion? Is she trying to say she's not just a piece of eye-candy for the frustrated pre-pubescent youth of today? Perhaps she's speaking to an imaginary song-boyfriend, telling him that she's worth more then his P and his Diddy take her for. Maybe it's a comment on her staying-power as a nude, latino stripper. Maybe she feels she's not being taken seriously as an artist and wants us to know that when she appears in public wearing only flesh-coloured shoelaces, it's a social statement. Maybe she wants to finally put to rest the rumors that she's actually a robot.  Picture your Grandmother in every possible naked, cold situation, are any of them more off-putting then J.Lo's Oh-Face? Oh-Oh-Oh Everyone knows Robots can't get wet. If she were a robot, having what appears to be the most sexually gratifying shower in existence, her arms would be flailing back and forth in wild jerky movements, while sparks flew out her eyes and her robot skin burned off revealing the cold metal heart beating inside. Oh-Oh-Oh. For: Appears to have robot-like code name. Dates men with Robot-Like code names. Has seen RoboCop 1, 2 and the first 5 minutes of Short Circuit. Against: Can get wet, in the most over-exaggeratedly sexual way. Conclusion: Is actually a fish... who owns a massaging shower-head.  It's that blank, squinty-eyed stare that drives the Diddy's wild. Her hair! So wild, so free. I mean, I understand the rest of her songs: one was about her love, and what I would do with it if I had it. Another was about her love, and how it don't cost a thing. Another was about how she's waiting for tonight so she can go dancing. Yet another was about waiting for the DJ to play her song so she can go dancing. I know I didn't blow anyones mind by pointing out that someone who has used cellulite to build two careers, isn't complicated, but why is "I'm Real" so confusing? Could she have just chosen two monosyllabic words out of a hat? Could this song as easily been My shoe? or Dirty Pop? I must know. As for the imaginary song-boyfriend: I'm worth more then your skank ho ass, idea. We'll look at what Ja Rule's contribution to the song is. I'm Real The way you talk, the way you move, the way you walk I'm Real The way you smile, the way you smell that drives me wild I'm Real The way you stare, the way you look, the style your hair So, we'll exempt that option since the only thing the song-boyfriend, Ja, seems to like about J.Lo is the way she grooves. Woman: I'm real. Man: yeah, real F&#*in' hot!LOL Unless you claimed that she was using Ja to show how the man views her: as someone who smells good, while she's trying to tell him "I'm real. And smelly!LOL!" This possibility is also exempt since Ja's words only exist in the remix, and therefore are not an original thought of the song. Avoiding "Her name's J.Lo, she dated P-Diddy, she duetted with Ja Rule she's obviously more apt to knit doileys then have something worth saying," I'll just say: when someone with the voice of Bert, and the brains of Ernie writes a song about a Rubber Ducky, it's about a rubber ducky. No more, no less.  "Arm... pits? Are they new?" For anyone who's read this far, looking for some quality pictures of J.Lo's goodies, you may be wondering why the hell I care so much about this song. And, the truth is, I couldn't say why. I hear it half a dozen times a day at work, and I don't even remember what the music sounds like. It's the words, the oh-so confusing words. Every time I hear "I'm real" my brain loses some of it's hold on reality, and I keep putting bigger holes in my bedroom walls. So, to keep myself sane, and save on drywall costs, I have to unlock the mystery before I stop questioning it, and start singing along. Oh-Oh-Oh.   Cold, naked Grandma. Cold... naked... Grandma. Then the "I'm real, not just your internet date on the weekends you sick little boys. I'M MORE THAN A BODY. I HAVE A BRAIN. WHOOPS MY NAPKIN FELL OFF" idea. I don't really consider this one an option, one: she was a Fly Girl, that's the equivalent of a motorized blow-up doll who dances when you pull the cord coming out of her back. Two: if you show up to televised award shows wearing a silk hanky, you're not looking for respect as a human being, a woman, or even a hanky. Feel free to wear whatever clothes you want wherever you want, but don't expect anyone to look higher then your shoulders at any given time - "curvaceous babe Jennifer Lopez has sparked a new craze in cosmetic surgery - butt-implants. Sales of butt-hoisting tights and cheek-enhancing underwear have sky rocketed since the Latino sex-kitten shot to fame." - or your waistline. Fuck, if you want to be looked at as more then a whore, don't look like you just orgasmed every time someone takes your picture. "You mean she sings? Does she sing in her underwear too?"  Oh-Oh-Oh Any Person With Any Form Of Camera: Hmm, can someone get Ms. Lopez the tight pants please? J-Lo: I'm a successful and talented artiste Cameraman: How about a thong? Try a thong. J-Lo: I'm a highly respected and sought after actress Tourist: Would you consider just going nude? J-Lo: I'm a role model Me: *BANG**BANG**BANG All that leaves is her wanting respect as an artist / actress. She was in "The Cell," she gets respect for sleeping with whoever paid for that 90 minute brain-enema. She's the Rosie Perez for the new millennium. She knows it, I know it, you know it, so why try to fool us? You're not real! And, with that in mind, and since I got sick of getting geocities error pages every time I tried to get screen shots from the "I'm Real" music video to show why she doesn't deserve respect, here's a gallery of J.Lo makin' funny faces.      
So wild! So Free! June 23, 2001 - The New York Post's Cindy Adams reports Jennifer Lopez won't drink coffee that was stirred clockwise So I hereby motion for this "I'm real" declaration to be stricken from the record, she's obviously a robot. A full-fledged, dull-staring, slack-jawing, waterproof, orgasmatron Robot. She killed off the other Latino musicians so she could reign supreme in naked happiness. The song was merely a ruse to throw us off the naked track. The dull, blank stare is just a front. The many silly faces... pure gold!  I'M ON TO YOU J.LO |
