a n i m a t i o n . w o r d s & p i c t u r e s . f o r u m

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Jesus The Movie: A Review

By: Josh
06.14.01

Hypnotizing, isn't it? Must-KILL-Must-KILL-MUST-KILL

To: ereverend@fucksociety.ca
From: gennaro ianniciello
Sent: Monday, June 04, 2001 5:57 PM
Subject: this is my opinion on u!

hello this is not to submit n e thing.but to give in my opinion about ur stupid internetsite on newgrounds.com. my name is priscilla and i am one of many jehovahs witnesses who try and teach people more about the bible.and i dont know how u could ever say that u arwnt prejudice or rascist because....LOOK AT THE STUIFF U SAID ABOUT US! u know what we shouldnt even waste our time on u!u should just tell the people who come to your door that u arent interested and that you dont want us coming to your door ever again,and we wont!there is no point in faking being interested what good does it do?it just makes us lose money because
of the cost to make the magazines and it wastes our time!so please i dont care and dont want to know why you publically humiliate us,but i thought of you being an adult you would show some more respect for me and all the other jehovahs witnesses!

from
Priscilla Anderson

I think the Devil has possessed her, she sent that e-mail in that lovely red font. Well, I don't remember what exactly I replied with, but I tried to clear up some of the misconceptions she has, while still making sure she knew I thought she was a grade A dingbat of the first order of dipshits. Anyway, the gentleman in me came out, so here you go Prisilla, some Jehovah's gave me "JESUS: THE MOVIE"(pictured above in that universal ass-kicking gif I made). I'll show you all that I can be fair, I'll give it an expert, unbiased review.

So, break out that pop-corn, we're in this for the long haul. First, let's see what the box has to say about this monument to messianic cinematic achievement.

JESUS
"The greatest person who ever lived.
Exactly who was Jesus Christ? *blah blah blah blah* . . .a film so true to life *blah blah blah* . . .the film's complete authenticity *blah blah blah* . . .virtually every word is taken form the Gospel of Luke.

Jesus - the most widely - translated film in history *blah blah blah* . . .viewers are moved to tears *blah blah blah* . . .your life will never be the same."

Excited? I know you are. This is shaping up to be one mother of a movie. I'll set it up in scenes for you, to make it easier to follow, and I don't want to ruin the ending, but it involves a nude fight-to-the death with Bruce Lee. Let's begin -

Scene 1: The Immaculate Conception

So, to begin where Jesus began, the movie starts off with God(that's his head at the bottom there) and Mary, (leaning on the tree) making the baby Jesus, just like they did in the old days, and I quote ". . .a film so true to life." For those with sharp eyes, Joseph is there in the bushes, watching. I wont mention what they had that boy doing, but I'm not one to question the artistic vision of JESUS. I'm just here to tell the world about it. So far I'm liking it.

They focused, roughly, the first 20 minutes of the movie on the baby-making, and afterwards, God personally baptized Mary, and then they prayed together. ". . .viewers moved to tears."? yes, my friends, yes. God Bless America! I wonder what the translation (into over 200 languages) is for "OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!" So far I'm giving this two thumbs up, a little excessive on the Mother Mary Labia shots I thought, but when you go Jesus, you go Jesus TO THE EXTREME!!

Scene 2: The Tale of Jesus

Jesus, on left, preaching the gospel. And Jesus, in right, freeing the slaves

From then on, most of what we got was jesus saving souls. Bringing salvation to the busty like only the messiah could. The man was a machine! They really captured his bulging, sweaty need to bring peace to the world. Some of the story around this part seemed to lag, almost like the parts were just inserted in between the Salvation scenes for filler, to tack on some sort of storyline. And the dialogue? I wont bore you but you'd be safer to just press mute during the filler scenes. Tasteful camera angles and lighting won me over enough not to complain too much, I mean, we are talking about Jehovah's here, so far I'm surprised a free movie was this good.

HOLY-FUCKIN'-CRAP LOOK AT JESUS BURN THOSE LITTLE KIDS!

For all you action movie fans, JESUS: THE MOVIE doesn't disappoint. He's got laser-eyes! he's got a blue robe! HE'S GOT THE POWER OF JESUS ON HIS SIDE! He doesn't take "no thank you, I don't read the Watchtower" for an answer! He burns all in his path, even kids! This movie keeps getting better and better! I mean, I had my doubts, but after Jesus started killing everyone, I was hooked!!!

Scene 3: End Game

But they really pulled it all together at the end. Jesus dies, he gives head - we laugh, we cry, some of us enjoy it a little too much, and all on the budget of a cheaply made porno! The important part is what we learn form Jesus' trials and tribulations as the messiah. Sure there was only 3 scenes, but do you really need more? Birth, Sex, Death, the Holy Trinity. They covered it all. Congrats to Brian Deacon( as Jesus) for 120 minutes of Heaven. I'm not the same person I was yesterday, and I can only thank Jehovah for it . . .and all this damn coffee I drank tonight.

Well, there it is, a straight run-down of JESUS: THE MOVIE, copyright "Inspirational Films." Rent it, buy, download it, just get your hands on it. It lives up to the hype. I mean, we all know the story of Jesus, only once in a lifetime does someone tell it in such a way that it keeps you glued to your seat.

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