Why Jesus Loves Everyone... Except YouBy: Xerjester
There aren't any pictures with the following sermon. I think the content alone is long-winded enough without visual aid. Cheers and happy reading, kids.
Now, before you run off to your local pastor for the emotional healing you will most likely need concerning the title of this post please do the following simple steps:
This won't be any manner of anti-Christianity post, well not to a larger degree anyway, nor will this be any manner of anti-religious post. (If by anti-religious you mean a well poorly organized summarization of the numerous flaws in many particular faiths and creed, and the laughable new-age followings that have sprung up. *cough* Unitarians *cough* dyanetics* cough*) This will, however, be a quite forward message on why Jesus does not love you.
Yes, YOU mojambo.
I of course refer to the born-again hierophants that make up the larger number of today's "Hardcore Christians" demographic of persons ages 13-23.
The reason I point these particular people out (and yes, they DO make up the unfortunate majority) is because they are the type of fundamentalists I mentioned in a post a few days back. They are the people who will go out and shove Christ down our throats while telling us we are condemned to hell the entire time.
Sounds neat huh? Wouldn't you just love to have these people over for a fireside chat? Me neither.
*has another helping of Jesus*
SO - I point these particular people out because I have to break it to them in the only way I know how. I have to clue them in on a very basic and fundamental fact. Jesus doesn't love them. In fact, I'm fairly sure Big Poppa JC can not wait to pop the proverbial cap in their collective asses once they kick the bucket. But why, you may ask yourself, if they are so hardcore Christian would their object of praise scorn them so?
One word kids: Hypocrisy. Cut and dry, pure blind hypocrisy.
Let's jump right into this debate with our crucifix locked and loaded, shall we?
The first thing to notice nowadays is how much of an ego the American Christian youth have developed. It stems from the youth pastors mainly, but since they amplify it on their own free will, we'll make them the scapegoat. You see, at one time it was universally known and accepted (at least among church-goers) that the only way to heaven and eternal nougatty bliss was to become a Christian.
Cool, I can dig that. Sounds like a slick deal. So I was all for it naturally- I like to plan for the future.
Then, surely enough, it came to be universally known and accepted that the only way to get to heaven was to follow a specific BRANCH of Christianity. Since I was told this revelation in a Baptist church, that automatically meant Catholics, Protestants, Seventh Day Adventists, Lutherans, and the lesser know Christ-children were to a finer point fucked.
Yeah that's right you Christ-following Heretics! worship Jesus all you want, you're still going to hell! Muahahahahahah only Baptists are the chosen ones!!!!
Needless to say I became intensely skeptical, but still attended church because it could kill a couple of hours on Wednesday with some friends. Then came the most BRILLIANT idea I ever heard in a church sermon- straight from the youth pastor's mouth and picked up immediately by the youths under his mind contro- er I mean..uh..listening
He said that not only did they have to be Baptist to avoid the eternity of fire, brimstone, and Richard Simmons, but that they had to attend only THAT chuurch and NO other Baptists churches, or their infernal fate was sealed.
Oh HERE we go...stroke that ego baby. MMM yes can you just SMELL the perfection in his logic? Not only has he given a nod to the entire Christian elitist mentality, but he has single-handedly just insulted every other Baptist in all of creation.
High-five dude! You ROCK! Thank you, THANK YOU for sending me screaming over to deism! THANK YOU YOU HYPOCRITE!
I mean, COME ON, how utterly blasphemous can you get? But of course, being the very finest that American education has to offer, the teenagers around me snapped it up wholeheartedly. I swear if I didn't know better I would think they repeated the phrase back in a zombie-like monotone...
"Musssssttt attend thissss Church....alll otherssss are ...theeee... debbbbilllllll"
Rrrrrrright. Yeah, check please.
Here's more hypocrisy, for now we've officially labled all non believers, believers, and Baptists as hell-bound. Funny how the bible adamantly says different, no?
So I left that sermon promptly, with a few accusing stares following me. Apparently they thought I was on my way to another church. Isn't it funny? I could have told them: "Well, that was fun. Love to stay but I have to stop by the Pornography store on my way to the bible bonfire", and that would have gone over a thousand times better than me stating that I was heading off to another church for more worship.
Oh yeah, renew my faith in organized religion baby. Make me hard for Jesus. Do eeet!
So I left, didn't return for a couple of weeks while I sorted through my latest religious moral quandary. You have to love those moments of severe disillusionment. They make for such wonderful sleepless nights and bouts of depression.
THANK YOU MR. YOUTH MINISTER!!!!
So I went back, giving them and the Baptist branch of Christian ethic the overwhelming benefit of the doubt. I wandered upstairs to the youth room to meet with some friends. The moment I opened the door, I heard this:
"Fuck your GAAAAAWD! Your Lord, Your Christ... HE DID THIIIIIS! Took all you had and LEFT YOU THIS WAY! Still you prayed, never strayed never TASTE OF THE FRUIT!! never thought to question why.."
I immediately picked up the tune in my head, seeing as how I'm a huge Maynard fan, and thus knew the song 'Judith' by his then band A Perfect Circle by heart.
What astounded me was the fact that a group of 6-7 girls around the youthroom radio were all bobbing their heads and genuinely enjoying the song.
Now mind you, these are the same girls who thought they would go to hell for listening to 311 or even Backstreet Boys. but here they were, smiling and humming along to a song which by all standards is one of the most blasphemous and utterly ANTI-JESUS tunes playing on the radio.
I started laughing...hard..and couldn't stop. It was just so ironic, I couldn't help it. So when they looked up and inquired as to what I found so funny ( as I was on the ground and pointing at them through my laughter ) I stood up, took a breath, and calmly asked them if they even understood the lyrics to the particular song they seemed to enjoy so much.
The fact that they didn't did not even phase me.
So, being the good samaritan that I am *coughs* I enlightened them to exactly what Mr. Maynard was singing, lyric by "I hate Jesus" lyric. Note by "Christians are idiotic" note. and then expounded on the matter by naming off 4 other songs by the exact same singer which (again to my utter delight) they not only listened to, but were unaware how anti-religion they actually were.
So here we have 6-7 devout "hardcore" born-again Baptists who have been gleefully listening to blasphemous music and flying in the face of everything they believed in.
It was impressive- I've never seen so many nervous breakdowns at one time. They were calling for 5 ambulances by the time I walked out of the church, still humming a few of the lyrics from Judith.
So I decided then and there as I mounted my motorcycle to tool my way home that i would no longer be a part of that, or any other Baptist church. In fact, it drove me into the thinking mode of researching just where exactly in the Bible it said "Thou shalt congregate in a stupid little building with no air conditioning and hard seats every Sunday to worship me" or even "Baptists Rule!!" and that sort of nonsense they impressed upon me.
"And yay, the lord our god spake unto Moses, saying unto him- "Thou shalt be Baptist, for verily all others Sucketh Ass".
*dramatic pause for effect*
Yeah...*whistles* and we base our Government off this? WOW.
So, after that final blow to any ideals I originally had in my innocence about the church mentality, I became very very bitter in general about any religion whatsoever. There was a point when I openly considered becoming atheist out of boredom. But, I couldn't. I still believe in God, so I had to press on somehow in my search for an actual following. I considered Catholicism. Any branch cool enough to fund the mafioso was ok by me. they seemed corrupt enough in their rigid ideals. But then their own hypocrisy came shining through in the form of utter stupidity.
You see, dear reader, ever since the first concept of the religion proper, there has been the representation of all that is fair, just and good: God, Jesus - and the personification of all that is evil, diseased, and naughty: Satan.
The initial belief was that Satan caused man to sin, tempting him to do things that would lead to his utter damnation.
And it was accepted that the humans whose faith was weak would be more susceptible to the Devil's machinations than the humans whose faith was pure and devout. So to make sure you could avoid temptation, you had to throw yourselves into worshiping God with a zealot fervor, a blind and all-consuming trust in God that would not allow Satan to plant the merest suggestion in your mind.
Satan = bad, manipulative little fiend.
God = Good, sheltering iconoclast. The Rock on which to build your faith.
Man = the poor pawn who could easily be swayed by Satan for his lack of true faith.
The Catholic Church was the major advocate of the above three equations, citing that Satan was responsible for Man choosing to sin. It was comforting to know that at any moment of weakness in faith, the embodiment of all that is dark and macabre could take over your mind and make you do evil, EVIL things.
That's right, slip for one moment and you are SCREWED, bible boy. Even Preachers were susceptible.
Apparently God likes to sit on his etheric ass a lot and leave man to fend for himself. That's love , Baby. Well, according to the Catholic Church it is.
BUT- here's what they are saying NOW about our dear sinister horn-sporting arch-nemesis. They claim that Satan is NOT responsible for implanting thoughts and convincing human kind to sin.
Oh no, it gets better-
They claim that the REAL threat is the evil that comes from WITHIN. That all mankind harbors an evil inside of them, a personal demon that will control them if they are not careful.
*a low giggling that swells into full-throated laughter*
OH YES!!!!! Oh my GAWD- what kind of Buddhist kick has the pope gotten on now? Does he have copies of proper zen and practice beneath that gigantic fucking hat of his? The Catholic church has just done a complete 180 against what they arbitrarily killed thousands of people for disagreeing with! Brilliant! ABSOLUTELY FUCKING BLOODY BRILLIANT!!!!
But then again, these are the same people that claimed we were the center of the universe....and that the Earth was flat....and that we would burst into flames by attempting to fly...and that genetic science is an evil evil practice...and that we are the only galaxy in the universe... WOW- I'm wondering what's next- that Jesus was crucified on an "x"? That the Virgin Mary was actually a clever nickname for a Bethlehem Prostitute? Or better yet, that God, Jesus, Satan and Mankind are all the same loveable entity!! Wheeeee!
"We're having a contest to see how much ancient dogma and doctrine we can toss out the window! So far the Catholics are in the lead, but the baptists are close behind! C'mon Protestants, there's still plenty of heresy to go around- plenty of points to be won!"
So here we are, the final blow to my last shred of faith in the organized Christian sub-system of Catholicism.
Neat, we are now at rope's end.
But again, I speak to you, the Jesus-freak, and reiterate one very important ideal:
Jesus does not love you.
You are the ones showing up at Denny's at 4 am to tell me over my Grand slam breakfast that I'm going to hell because I was not in your church front pew center last "Youth night".
You are the ones flying into the face on judeo-Christian fundamentalism by telling me that I'm going to fry forever because I don't happen to be Southern Baptist.
You are the zealot idiots who choose to believe that because you've never seen me before, and because my hair is a little long and I'm wearing a leather jacket, that I've never even heard of such remote concepts such as "God", Jesus" and the "Bible", and that I am a lost sheep you need to shepard back to the holy corral, even though when I get there I will still be going to hell by your standards.
You are the fuckchops who denounce secular music, but then come up with the most amazingly STUPID and HILARIOUS oxy-moron of a genre of all time: Christian Death Metal ( And no, I'm not kidding, there is an actual musical genre by this name, and yes, they do sound EXACTLY like Cradle of Filth and other anti-Christianity bands).
Oh, yeah- I'm going to hell, and here you are musically emulating Danny Filth, Panterra, and Ashes of Misery. what was I thinking? Silly ol blasphemous me.
The Hell?! How can YOU sit there and spew this utter brain-fart of what you consider "preaching the word"?!
How?! I mean...do they remove your frontal lobe to make sure you'll repeat whatever they tell you?
And you think I'M the sheep here? Please. You make me ill.
So, now you know why Jesus doesn't love you. because for all your high-horse stances, for all your facts and issues regarding your beliefs, and for all the things your youth pastor told you to mention to the non-believers (i.e. everyone else in the world you come across) to promote your cause, not one iota of it is backed up by the very book you claim to base your entire mode of existence off of.
It's true- I've had several wonderful sessions of "debunk the hardcore Christian" just this past year alone, and it never fails to amaze me how quickly their tone changes from-
"You are a sinner, You are going to hell, I'm better - and here's why: "
to the ever opposite
"Shut up- it's not true! You're a stupid Liar!! my youth pastor says- why are you laughing at me? STOP LAUGHING AT ME!!! oh god *sobs* oh god...."
And I don't go for this effect intentionally mind you, but it's rather annoying to have a complete stranger come up to you and proclaim that you are going to hell and then proceed to check off all your flaws, because it's obvious that they sized up your entire personality and faith within seconds of meeting you. So when I'm cornered in such a manner, I have no choice but to smugly put them in their place.
And I do it with relish, because as I see it, they took the time to talk down to me, so it's only fair that I share my slice of cynicism pie with them.
Mom always said sharing is caring. And I care.
I care until they cry. Then I care some more because it makes me feel good to be able to give so much of myself to them.
I feel SO good right now. SO very very good.
I am a Christian. I believe in God, and I believe in the bible, though I will OPENLY admit it was written by SEVERAL different authors, regardless of whether or not they were writing down what God told them to or not.
This is a PROVEN fact by literary scholars AND Preachers alike. But will "hardcore Christians" ever admit this?
Of course not.
That would mean they would be admitting to the possibility that the bible contains contradictions, but it can't because it is a novel by none other than God all mighty.
I never saw the Bible make the bestsellers list. I wonder why that is.
So in closing, let me just say this again for the blind-mentality jesus-freaks out there: Jesus loves everyone. But he think's you're a real asshole. For all the other clear-thinking believers out there, keep hope alive. Stick with your guns, and never, EVER believe because it happens to be trendy.
God listens, but do you?