God Got Pissy and Started Telling Us What To Do

Really, well weıll see about that. How about -
-Money (George on their one, Lincoln on their five, Laurier on our 5 - paper gods, there can be no argument on this one. If you disagree, youıre an idiot, a penniless idiot. Like me.)

-Santa Claus (Jesus is born, as is the Jolly god. Santa replaces the messiah. Heıs Jolly! Come on! Like a bowl full of Jelly? Jesus was a skinny mamaıs boy.

-Easter Bunny (Jesus dies, donıt ask why, but we get the giant, Chocolate-Bunny God. Who sneaks around on the supposed day of Jesusı rebirth, hiding cherished goodies of FOIL-WRAPPED RABBIT SHIT! Come on, thatıs ludicrous. Thatıs like worshipping a Leprechaun, who kills people for no good reason. See what I mean, oh wait )

-St. Paddyıs day (someone drives all of the Druids out of Ireland, and we celebrate it by getting right honorably pissed. Iıll worship any leprechaun, (subversive and otherwise) whoıs holiday allows me to relinquish green fluids for a week. Although, we donıt worship St. Pat anymore than your average brawling midget, and we do only because of the official, global, drinkinı day, I just like to say relinquish, green and fluids together whenever I can.

-Hollywood Celebrities (subversive and otherwise) Fan Clubs. Web Sites. Forged nude photos. Obsessive, imaginary and co-dependent allusions to camaraderie. Issues about Leonardo DiCaprio abound in this fucked-up world that I refuse to understand.

-Euro Celebs (subversive and otherwise.) They talk differently, so they must be cooler. Fuck you England, we want John Lennon. Or Johnny Rotten. Someone whoıs English but has an American name. Not the fat, stupid Johnny Rotten either. And-

-Silicone. Period. Exclamation point. Underscore. This God is worse than Leo. But who could forget our favorite -

- Television

So we screwed up, what can I say, heıs a pretty vague celestial bush, for a flaming one, that is. I suppose if we tag on other labels, we can claim that we donıt have them before God, but who really cares anyway. Does God have cheekbones like Leo? If he does, Iıd sure like to see Œem. Moving on.

-I donıt know what ³graven² means, to be honest, but Iım sure it has something to do with not washing your feet on every alternate third Tuesday of February, or that weıre all required by religious creed to feed God grapes from the vine. Letıs just move on shall we?

-Which means, essentially, that if you talk shit about God or his boy, youıre going to Hell. If you break it down more, it could also mean just using Godıs name in a sentence which he thinks frivolous, youıre fucked too. Touchy sort of Deity ainıt he? I can sort of understand this being a bad thing, vain, in this translation means, useless, or futile. So cursing out God, al la God Damn thatıs a spicy meatball, is futile, so you are Hell bent brother. Iım not sure if Goddamnit why is God fucking us over again? is futile or not, but it would probably piss him off a bit, so heıd smite your ass good and hard. He also felt the need to point out, that not only was he THE LORD, but also THY GOD, to make sure you knew who the fuck was giving you the business. I donıt know though, if I was making up only 10 commands to dictate my discipleıs existenceıs, not talking shit, or even mentioning my name in an asinine way, probably wouldnıt be my third choice. Iıd put it in the maybe pile, for if I couldnıt think up something better, along with Thou shalt not procreate with the homely. No wait, thatıd be first. Us uglies are far too many to explain, and if God had stamped us out early on, even letting the Catholics use a fucking condom once in a while, then weıd all probably look the same, but at least weıd look good. Goddamnit why didnıt he command against homely people who want to multiply?

-The only thing I find ³Holy² in the Sabbath anymore is that they let you by alcohol on it now, HALLEJULLAH, so I guess weıre all guilty by association here. The Church kind of gets fucked over, as its their only day to do the dick-all it is that they do (compared to what I accomplish on a daily basis of course). Canıt blame God for this one, heıs a little narcissistic, and he only asked for one day of Sabbath, which means day of rest. So, actually, Godıs not vain, heıs lazy: ³and on the seventh (Sabbath) day, he rested² And he wants to rest every Sunday now. Maybe to watch football, I canıt say, but God definitely has some stupid guidelines he and St. Peter pulled out of a hat to see how many of us would follow them.

-Was there a lot of people dishonoring their Motherıs and/or Fatherıs at the time? Or maybe Jesus was being a little insolent, you know, he and God got into a tiff about the third commandment, theyıre not talking to each other, Jesus wont let God come into his room, or if he does, he just sniffs and turns away from God, so God gives up and makes it sanctioned by the creator of the Universe that Jesus give back the remote to the T.V. before he misses the Superb Bowl on Pay Per View. You know, Peteıs coming over, Godıs just made a lovely spinach dip, and Jesusı blaring MxPx. Kids! I donıt know what that was, if you know, E-Mail me and explain, itıs freaking me out.

-Okay fine, a sensible one. Donıt kill people. But, you know itıs just so dang fun that we couldnıt help ourselves, over and over and over and over, you know how it gets God, we saw what you did to Sodom and Ghomorrah though, that KICKED ASS. Itıs like these RealTV shows; when animals attack and Airplane Crashes CAUGHT ON TAPE, God gets bored, so the angels all gather around, and smite a 747. Nuttin wrong with dat.

-Wait a second here, thereıs a whole Hell of a lot wrong wit dat. First God gives us ³free will,² and being the ALL MIGHTY, he already knows how each of us is gonna use that free will, but he still drowns us and rains fire and brimstone down upon our heads? Maybe God has a bit of a drinking problem. His son can turn water into wine for fucks sake. Itıs all beginning to make sense now.

- Sin. Fornication. Infidelity. Illicit sexual intercourse. Extramarital affair. Cuckoldry. Whatever. This hereıs God covering his ass. Being All Knowing and Omni-Present, he knew what was coming when he booted Adam and Eve out of Eden. They were gonna fuck. Some primal urge to attain a momentary relapse of the sensation of Paradise Lost? Donıt ask me, I wouldnıt have a clue. I do know that God leapt at this chance to come up with some rules. ³Listen you little bastards, stop that right now, I mean it,² he starts flicking the light switch on and off, ³thatıs not wholesome, youıre gonna throw your back out.² Then, I only assume itıs because God canıt really have sex, that whole ³immaculate conception² thing, that heıs got some pent up angst, and decides to make it wrong to masturbate as well as have sex. Talk about penis envy. Then he takes ³Charles in Charge² off the air, and Everclear releases ³AM Radio.² These are the true signs of the apocalypse people.

Like stealing the lives of all those Israeliteıs God? Whatıs that? And Noahıs ark? Sodom and Ghmorrah? You know, God created Hitler, think about that, knowing he was gonna mass genocide the Jewish people, and did nothing about it. Why? Because theyıre the ³chosen² ones? God burnt down a city because its residents were sexually ³promiscuous,² but Hitler gets off with WORLD WAR TWO? Was God taking a nap or something?

-We Like Pop, We Like Soul, We like Rock, but We Never Liked Disco!
-We Like Pop, We Like Soul, We like Rock, but We Never Liked Disco!
-We Like Pop, We Like Soul, We like Rock, but We Never Liked Disco!
-We Like Pop, We Like Soul, We like Rock, but We Never Liked Disco!

- This oneıs great, translating as envying other people, or other peopleıs possessions, was another good kick in the crotch for the Israelites. These poor, poor bastards - 4000 years of persecution, and they arenıt allowed to envy their Slave-drivers? Who the hell of that entire race of people didnıt once, just once wish they had the whip, kicking a little ass of their own? Or who, during the 40 (this is the obligatory FUCKING spot) FUCKING years of aimless shit in the desert with Moses building sand castles, didnıt wish they had stayed to get whipped and beat back in Egypt? None of them, and do you know why? These are Godıs ³chosen ones², so of course he treats them like charred toaster leavinıs. Then, THEN, and this is the real royal fuck-over, just when they start getting happy and joyous again, Moses gets a little pissed that no one likes him anymore, runs off up the mountain, scribbles some shit on a rock, and comes back down to ruin everyoneıs fun. Of course thatıs just a theory, the truth is GOD HATES THE ISREALITES. Being ALL KNOWING like he is, God knew the Anti-Christ was coming down the line. Did he warn anyone? Nope. SIX MILLION dead. Yeah if I was Jewish I definitely feel bad if I coveted my neighborıs house, I mean who had it better than them? The slaves, maybe. Dung Beetles?

-Me in general

-My genitalia size

-Pre-Mature Hair-Loss

-Being Overweight

-Being Pale-Skined

-Iım sure you can think of as many as I can