Comic Book MoviesBy: Josh
[note: With the consistency of my updates, I'm sure my loyal fan had no idea that my computer was spirited away from me in the dead of night, only days after announcing I was gonna start posting again. Well, single 40-year old man who enjoys reading this shit - I'm back. I'd also like to extend a belated welcome to Xerjester, and Ass-Slapper's hyper-intelligent balls. I hope you're enjoying their contributions as much as I am: I'm already taking advantage of their superior intellect and writing abilities by rambling on about comic book movies without a care in the world, tra la la, I guess that's just the cowboy in me.
A-HAHAHAHA AHAHHAHA CLINT BLACK!!!
this concludes the note]
What do you get when you add Tomb Raider: THE MOVIE, Final Fantasy: THE MOVIE and Resident Evil: THE MOVIE together?
A really bad intro sentence to a post about comic books being made into movies, that seems only to involve video games that were made into movies?
I wonder how long it takes before "......" gets annoying
Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son
What you get when you add those three movies is proof positive that, not only did hollywood run out of new movie ideas some time after TRON came out, but that fanboys and 10 year old children are in the same target market: the "stupid" market. "Fanboys" (derived from the fan meaning dumbshit and boy meaning overweight middled-aged man with a comic book collection worth more then his house and Tomb Raider porn screensavers) are the types that will beg their mom to let them borrow the car, and her visa, because they need every limited edition, 12" gold-foil action figure, hard cover edition of the script, Burger King commemerative goblet and an extra-large popcorn to get their fat fanboy asses through an hour and a half movie. This bumps the fanboy into a subcategory of "stupid, with money."
Each glass lights up! With Stupid!
So when Hollywoord needs a new movie fast, or MUST make a quick buck(assuming there isn't a media cash cow of a war going on - Hello Rambo 4 - don't go there girlfriend) all they need do is film a movie "adaptation" of some popular comic book, video game, or cartoon show. Because kids, it seems, can't resist things like a live-action Scooby Doo, and the adults: well, somebody had to like "Blade," kids aren't that stupid. And kids think cartoons are real; people who liked Blade don't even have the "I'm only a kid" excuse, they're just morons. And, for future reference, keep in mind that "film adaptaion" is movie lingo for "completely fuck up." This adaptation is done to varying degress of success: Batman and Superman both come to mind as commercial successes, despite the slop-buckets of suck they washed the film reels in.
Mail To: firstname.lastname@example.org
Subject: YOU'RE A HOMO GAY! BATMAN OWNS!!!!
Settle down fanboys. Batman was a decent movie, but I can't watch it without nit-picking over the little things. For example: why the hell would he fly his bat-plane up over cloud-level just to position it in front of the moon, seemingly to create a display not unlike the bat signal, despite the fact that people below the clouds would not be able to see him? Only people on-level with the camera, somewhere out of the god damn atmosphere, would see it properly. This is annoying enough, but then the next scene comes up, with The Joker carrying a gun as long as his leg down his pants, that doesn't seem to impede his walking. NEXT TIME YOU MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT A GIANT, CRIME-FIGHTING BAT, I WANT R-E-A-L-I-S-M. And Superman loses every cool point I thought he had by discovering the mighty fly-around-the-world-backwards-to-reverse-time power that makes me wonder why I'm not entertaining myself by driving railroad spikes into my forehead instead. Call me kooky, but Christopher Reeve makes a better bareback rider then actor. It's sad how bad these movies can be, Spawn and X-men come to mind -
- and yet they still reap such huge box office grosses. Why does this happen? Because the axis of evil has gotten so strong, the world is more afraid of people bringing bobby pins on airplanes then the quality of their entertainment? Or dumbasses like me who get excited when they hear that there's a He-Man movie? I say don't look any farther then the abovementioned middle-aged fanboys and 10 year old children that these movies are pandered to, to lay the blame for Blade, Tomb Raider, Scooby Doo, and let's all forget that I said I liked the Masters of the Universe movie.
I've watched all this go down for years without even the merest bitching about it on the internet. Well, the weekend that Blade 2 opens up number one at the box office is the day I stop sitting on my thumbs, and take action by bitching about it on the internet. Obviously I'm the only person who comprehends the concept of a good movie, so to every Hollywood studio exec. that's reading this, pay attention.
If you're as cool as I am, you were likely reading as many comic books as you could when you were 14, while the nerds were out in the sun, kissing girls, playing sports and getting an "education." Well take it from a High School drop-out - in the competitive comic book world of gun-toting superwomen with huge, cartoon tits and the men who love them, you need a fresh, excitingly tight and colourful outfit that shows off said cartoon tits. It's peas and carrots: superhero - supercostume. And, as superficial as it seems, you get used to what your favourite comic book characters look like, and expect the movie to be a live-action version of the comic. Unfortunately, you often get nothing of the sort. Observe.
This is the Punisher
This is a man in a black shirt
Again - this is the Punisher
THIS IS A MAN WITH NO GOD DAMMNED SKULL ON HIS SHIRT
I know you can't always be true to the visual without comprising realism. Realism in a movie about people who can fly and shoot electricity out of their eyeballs while keeping their girlish figure and huge, silicone tits, that is. Tim Burton gets points for pulling it off in Batman: imagine you're the one telling Jack Nicholson he has to smear his face with green paint for the moive. Seriously, have you SEEN The Shining? In a case like the Punisher, I can see no reason to exclude the skull from his shirt. Without the skull he's just a guy. A guy with no skull on his god dammned shirt. Some movies either stay as true to the comic as possible, and fail so miserably that not many people even realize that there's a Captain America movie propping up some out-of-work director's coke-snorting table right now, while others stray just enough that they still feel they're keeping artistic integrity, but that petty idiots wont bitch about something as minute as a skull on a shirt.
The case of Swamp Thing vs. Pile of Green Shit
You need to be deaf, blind and paid to enjoy this movie. Likely no one out there but me has seen it, so I don't know how to convey how awful it is to watch. Take some green food colouring, pour it in a bottle of ex-lax, get naked, and sit in the middle of your living room carpet: in about 20 minutes you'll have something as appealing to look as the Swamp Thing movie. With better dialogoue.
The X-Men vs. The Gay and Lesbian Bikers of America
You need to be a fan of Blade to enjoy this movie.
Many comics have to be around for years before anyone would consider them popular enough to make commemorative goblets with little red lights in the bottom that really do nothing except make you feel important because no one else's goblets have useless, red lights in the them. In fact, most people just drink from normal cups, and don't smell like goat-cheese. But if they make fun of you, then they're not your real friends anyway.
So, in the years a comic's been around, it has a hell of a lot of time to build up a concrete plot line, intricate personalities, anything that may prove difficult to sum up in an hour and a half movie. You basically have the choice of telling a good story, realizing that the bulk of your target audience already knows more about the X-Men then you, or trying to tell the entire comic's back story, cram any sort of plot you can come up with in between, while the audience members prepare to write you some very stern letters.
REMEMBER TO BUY YOUR OFFICIAL X-MEN GOBLET'S EVERYONE
Now, back to the me being cooler then everyone thing: I watch a lot of movies, and that makes me an absolute expert. There's nothing about movie-making that I haven't learned by watching The Breakfast club 400 times a month on TBS, and it's best that the world accept the fact that I am the smartest man alive, and merely choose to divert my staggeriing intellect towards petty things like movies, so people like Einstein have something to do with their time. Good casting, my smartiness tells me, is more important in movies being made out of comic books, or even just normal books: you already know what your main character looks and acts like, and you want someone who can bring that to life. In Hollywood though, big names often beat out good acting. As it's been proven that anyone with a dick, or braces will pay eight bucks to see Britney Spears take a dump in the woods, they choose Ben Affleck to star as Daredevil in the comic-to-movie adaptation as opposed to anyone who can act. This can, and does, drag an otherwise good movie to the shitter, but that all depends on what you consider a good movie, and whether or not you have the gall to claim that a movie like Judge Dredd could have been good. Period.
*Insert some Rocky joke, because Rocky was the only good movie he's ever been in and no one gives a shit about Rambo, because Sylvester Stallone is Italian, and he sounds like a fathead when he talks. The end.*
In my head, where all the important desicions are made, the Batman franchise is notorious for these poor casting desicions, as every sequel is packed with increasingly notable actors, less and less noticable plot, progressively tackier costumes, and creatively redesigned Batmobiles.
And I have no explanation for why Todd MacFarlane choose Doctor Claw from Inspector Gadget to be the voice of the Devil in Spawn. But since he choose an over-tanned D.B. Sweeny to play a black character, and a soiled paraket corpse to write the script, Doctor Claw as the devil is the last of the things that I hate about that movie. It managed to walk all over every single point I've made so far, like it didn't care that I'd created this wonderful new thing, called plot.
FINISH THE POST!!
Anyone tired of reading yet?
I don't know what it is about the old Incredible Hulk movie("old" referring to the fact that they're re-making it with either Brendan Fraser or George clooney starring - proving my point, no no, proving ALL of my points), but I love it: I used to watch it daily when I was a kid. I think, somewhere deep down, where I keep my car keys, I can relate to a guy who morphs into a giant, illiterate green monster whenever he gets mad and beats the crap out of his problems. Think about how easier the world would be if I could beat the living Jesus out of anything that made me mad. World hunger? Pay Porn sites? Uncomfortable burning sensations? A thing of the past. Sure the movie was cheesy, sure I can't tell you how Bruce Banner's shredded clothing always seemed to fit him again after he de-Hulked, sure I can make more impressive special effects with my Stone Cold WWF cigarette lighter, and sure it sucked, but what more do you need in a movie?
The duality of Man: Fag and Angry, Green Fag
I was just searching around google for some more pictures and to refresh my memory about the plot of a movie I haven't seen in roughly 10 years that I'm praising so much, when I discovered there's more to this story then I thought. Apparently there was a 6-season live-action Incredible Hulk TV show, and 3 made-for-tv movies: one co-starring The Mighty Thor, another co-starring Daredevil. All that's aside from the Cartoon show. I can't believe all these years I was missing out on so much Hulky goodness. Now I'm convinced: the Hulk is the epitomy of perfection. A model for all to be held up to, scrutinized, and discarded as "Not the Hulk" because that's what it is, not the Hulk. Nothing that had so many sequels -
- made-for-television movies -
- and a cartoon series -
- could ever be less then completely perfect -